Hamptons Subway Installs New, Full Body X-Ray Machines

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Near as we could tell, nobody famous took the Hamptons Subway over Fourth of July weekend. Spotters, please stay more alert.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

A very special happy birthday to motorman Bert Framtram, who has now gone two years beyond the mandatory retirement age and still is hoping that nobody notices. Sorry, Bert.

NEW X-RAY SEARCHES AT TURNSTILES

The new full-body X-ray machines are now in place and on duty, scanning straphangers just before they go through the turnstiles on all of our platforms. Things are going smoothly, but on the Water Mill platform, one X-ray official rejected about one in 15 subway riders for several hours on the first morning until someone explained to him what love handles were.

A PANTIGO STATION? DOUBTFUL

Although the plan to close the Mecox station failed to get approved after a petition last month, riders who live in the Pantigo section of East Hampton between our Amagansett and East Hampton station, encouraged by what happened at Mecox, have formed the belief that now is the time to add as many stations as possible in the system, and so have presented a still newer petition, signed by 210 people, to have a new station built at Pantigo so they don’t have to take the walk to the other stations. It’s been suggested that the new station be just to the east of the town hall.

MEL GIBSON MOVIE

On Tuesday afternoon, a Mel Gibson movie will be filmed on the subway system. There will be no interruption in service, but at various times, stunt doubles of Gibson and others may appear coming down into subway cars from the roof hatches with guns. The scene involves a shootout with bad guys as everybody crawls along the rooftop of the cars. Just ignore them.

BOOK OUT ABOUT THE BUILDING OF THE SUBWAY

A new book, written by Commissioner Bill Aspinall with the help of the rest of the staff who actually wrote it, will give a truer picture of the myth and the man named Ivan Kratz who, in 1926, built the Hamptons Subway. The book is titled Ivan Kratz: The REAL Story, and it will be available, with pictures, at all bookstores for $37.50 plus tax.

Kratz, according to the inaccurate information being bandied about until now, built Hamptons Subway secretly, using leftover subway building materials he had stolen from the prime contractor of the Lexington Avenue subway line construction project. The district attorney, smelling a rat, went after him. So, he hid the material by using it to build an actual subway system in the Hamptons without anybody knowing that was what he was doing.

The truth is, and this book documents it six ways to Sunday, that Kratz had been asked to bury the subway construction material in the Hamptons by the corrupt but beautiful wife of the mayor of New York City at that time, Tammany Hall. Mrs. Hall suffered from compulsive shopping syndrome, for which there was no known cure in 1926. She was also secretly in love with the dashing Mr. Kratz, and by using her womanly wiles, persuaded Kratz to squirrel away this leftover building material so she could sell it at a later date to pay off her credit card debts.

When the district attorney got wind of this scheme, Kratz at first decided he would step forward and take the rap for her. But after Mrs. Hall pleaded that Kratz not confess to something he didn’t willingly do, he instead took all the material out of the storage warehouses in the Bronx, had it hauled out to the Hamptons and secretly buried it as a whole new subway system. No one was ever the wiser, and in 2006, during a superfund toxic waste removal dig in Sag Harbor, workmen hit the roof of the Sag Harbor station with shovels, and the rest is history. The system opened in 2007 and has been in use since.

DOMESTIC PROBLEMS WITH THE COMMISSIONER

It’s been a touchy week for Commissioner Aspinall and his wife Gladys. On Monday, Gladys filed for divorce, citing the press conferences held by seven women over the weekend announcing that they were having an affair with her husband. However, after filing for divorce and hearing denials from the commissioner, she decided to interview all seven of them.

“It’s a small town,” Gladys said. “I did meet privately with each of them.”

After the seven meetings, which took place on Sunday, Gladys withdrew her divorce application.

“Apparently each of the seven was going public just to get their names in the paper, hits on their websites and make a buck,” she told the press. “None had encountered my husband’s abnormality, which would have been visible to them if they were having affairs with him. On the other hand, I wish to state that if our marriage is to continue, once and for all my husband must get rid of all that subway paraphernalia that he has collected and placed all over our bedroom. It is completely unnecessary and unacceptable that he toots the subway horn and clangs the bell after each intimate encounter I have with him.”

Commissioner Aspinall, when asked about this, said that he intends to think about it.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Those seeking a subway stop at Pantigo should forget it. We don’t have the budget for it, it ain’t gonna happen, and it’s only a mile and a half walk to Amagansett or East Hampton from Pantigo. Get a life, Pantagites. The fresh air will be good for you.

On another note, we are proud of the fact that we have been able, for the first time, to make a deal with movie makers that would not involve shutting down any part of the subway system. The Mel Gibson movie Bandits on the Roof is sure to be a big hit when it comes out next year, and we urge everybody to go see it.

WANTED

Marketing Manager for Hamptons Subway. An exciting opportunity. Send resume to Hamptons Subway, 14223 Ponquogue Avenue, Hampton Bays, NY 11946.