Foxwoods May Dig Hamptons Subway Tunnel from Their End

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Actor Mercedes Ruehl was seen on the Three Mile Harbor–East Hampton line on her way to Bay Street in Sag Harbor last Saturday afternoon reading through a script for some performance or another.

STRIKE FIZZLES

A strike by the Hamptons Subway Motormen’s Union ended in failure last Monday morning. The plan was to delay all trains by 20 minutes, and there was little doubt that the motormen could do that just by keeping their trains in the station for that amount of time. The word went out. The riders braced for the worst. But when the time came, the motormen held the first train for the day, at 5:22 a.m., until 5:42 a.m., then proceeded at 20-minute intervals for the rest of the day. Since the trains run at 20-minute intervals anyway, all they accomplished was to be one train short at the start of the day and then one train long at the end, at 2:22 a.m. after the regular 2:02 a.m. the next morning. Nobody noticed the difference.

“We screwed up,” said Ian MacTavish, the head of the Motormen’s Union.

The union was so upset by this screwup, and considering all the bad press they received, that two days later at their regular weekly meeting they decided to acquiesce to management’s demands, just to avoid further embarrassment.

FOXWOODS MIGHT DIG FROM THEIR END

The long drawn-out attempt to dig a subway tunnel between Sag Harbor and Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut got another boost last week. Foxwoods, which is experiencing a slowdown in gambling revenue, is considering digging from its end instead of waiting for the tunnel to arrive from our end. The hope is that this new access will bring fresh revenue.

Hamptons Subway’s first attempt at digging to Foxwoods ended in disaster when the tunnel struck oil under Long Island Sound, which caused the flooding of the tunnel, the workmen being evacuated and the project being walled off with pumps constantly going to keep the oil from overwhelming the entire line.

The second attempt tried to make a big circle around the western end of the underground oil pool, but after heading west just off Long Island’s North Shore and crossing Long Island Sound from Port Jefferson to Bridgeport, the supervisors of the work lost their bearings. In the darkness underground, the work, unnoticed by them, looped around and hooked back up with itself but going the other way. Currently, work is at a standstill and the matter has gone into litigation with the contractor.

LARGEST SCULPTURE EVER ON A SUBWAY PLATFORM

Work proceeds on the new massive sculpture by noted sculptor Adrien Bordeaux. The part of the Amagansett platform to accommodate it has been jackhammered out. The tracks for the spur from the main line to the space created are under construction. Pretty soon, Bordeaux’s creation, a dozen bronze pieces — straphangers all — will be on display for the general public inside a subway train parked there. Their arrangement will change monthly so we can have a new wine and cheese gallery opening each month to celebrate the new arrangement. The exhibit is to be called Straphangers. Lucky subway users in Amagansett should enjoy this display for many years.

CLOSE MECOX?

The interns surveying all the straphangers on the various platforms last week also asked them if they were in favor of closing the Mecox Station and turning it into a giant herb garden since so few people use it. The results were 5% yes, 5% no and 90% what Mecox station?

WEDDING CRASHERS GET MARRIED ON THE WATER MILL PLATFORM

A wedding party, including a bride, groom, preacher, best man, a film crew and 200 guests, came down to the Water Mill platform uninvited last Friday at 5 p.m. in the middle of rush hour, and right at the platform’s edge held a wedding ceremony for 20 minutes. It greatly disrupted the afternoon commute that day and we apologize to our riders for it. Subway security guards rushed to try to break up the affair, but also got held up by the crowds and were unable to push through until the ceremony was over. They were told the ceremony was not a wedding, but just a vow renewal affair since they were already married. The wedding broke up shortly after that and the security people were left with only the couple’s name, Giuseppe and Mikayla Salahi of Washington, D.C. Charges may be filed against the couple once it is determined whether what they did was against the law.

CUTBACKS HIT HAMPTONS SUBWAY

Hamptons Subway, bowing to the inevitable, is ordering staff cutbacks and reduced service beginning tomorrow. Each day a different leg of the subway service will close for 24 hours.

On Monday, from 12:01 a.m. to 11:59 p.m., there will be no trains between Montauk and Amagansett and Hampton Bays and Westhampton Beach. On Tuesday, there will be no service between East Hampton and Sag Harbor and North Sea and Noyac. On Wednesday, there will be no service between Water Mill and Bridgehampton. On Thursday, there will be no service between East Hampton and Maidstone Park, and on Friday there will be no service between Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton and between Shinnecock and Hampton Bays. All other trains will run on schedule. The cutbacks will take place only between Monday and Friday. On Saturdays and Sundays, when the rich folks are here, the service will continue as always. Please make a note of this.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Last Friday evening’s mess at the Water Mill station caused by the so-called “renewal of vows” ceremony was done without any advance notice or permission being granted to those who held it. That these despicable people say they were having the event filmed for their application to a reality TV show on one of the cable networks makes no difference. In the past, we have had several weddings on the system. People pay good money to have our system shut down. But those who wish to take advantage of our good nature in this way will be punished to the fullest extent of the law, which we are currently looking into.