Justin Timberlake Spotted on Hamptons Subway with Cupcakes

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Justin Timberlake, the actor and pop star, was seen on the Sag Harbor westbound platform on Tuesday morning handing out chocolate cupcakes he’d personally baked as part of the community service he is performing for some minor traffic conviction he obtained not so long ago.

Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, the two retired football legends, were seen on the subway riding west between Amagansett and East Hampton last Thursday afternoon.

SHELTER ISLAND FAILURE

Commissioner Bill Aspinall attended the christening ceremony of the new South Fork Suspension Bridge connecting North Haven and Shelter Island last Thursday. He stood beside Commissioner Brattlebrow of the Shelter Island Bridge and Tunnel Authority as the Champagne bottle was smashed against one of the stanchions of the structure; but then, as the band played, he looked up to note with shock that the promised center lane subway tracks for Hamptons Subway were not included. He asked Brattlebrow about it.

“We were under the impression,” he told Aspinall, “that your tunnel connecting Sag Harbor with Foxwoods Resort Casino would have a stop here on Shelter Island as it passed along underneath the island. Not putting the tracks in saved $3 billion.”

When told that was not the case, it was just one of several proposals, Brattlebrow said he would rethink the matter.

MEL GIBSON MOVIE SHOOT FINALLY TAKES PLACE

Those riders who got so upset when what appeared to be masked bandits with guns came down through the roof hatch of a Westhampton-bound subway car just after it left the Quogue station were happy to find out that this was nothing to get hysterical about. It was all part of a scene from the new Mel Gibson movie Bandits on the Roof, which was shot in the Hamptons with the express permission of our Commissioner Aspinall. A sign warning passengers was scotch-taped to the entrance door to that particular car just before the shoot, but we are told the sign got crumpled off when the doors opened and closed at the Hampton Bays stop just before arriving in Quogue. The sign is still inside that subway door sleeve and it makes a funny noise. Eleven people were hospitalized from the shock of this occurrence but all rallied and were released. We apologize for the inconvenience.

SHOVELS NOT SO READY

The shovel-ready program by President Joe Biden to send workmen out here to the Hamptons to continue the big subway tunnel dig between Sag Harbor and Foxwoods is finally underway, but it will take longer to come to fruition than was thought. More than 4,000 applicants swamped the hiring hall down in the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) building in Washington, ready and willing to proceed, but the word came down at the last minute that the workers will be sent first to a different shovel-ready project, which is the new high-speed Florida train service, scheduled for completion in 2029. We will start after that.

NEW SUBWAY TRAIN WHISTLE DEMO NEXT WEEK

Riders should be aware that all day Tuesday there will be workmen on all the cars installing a variety of new subway train whistles to see how they sound. There will be different sounds at different times of day. There is nothing wrong with the old whistles, which only sound when there is an emergency or something, but the salespeople from Active Train Whistle and Horn out of Chattanooga, Tennessee were most insistent on demonstrating this.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

We of course are a little disappointed that our shovel-ready project to help dig the tunnel to Foxwoods has been postponed. But that they thought of us is important. It’s the thought that counts. I’m sure that they will get to us as soon as possible.

Speaking of the commissioner, he is at his advanced age, beginning a new career as a movie actor. When the producers of the smash hit, just-released film Bandits on the Roof approached the commissioner about allowing them to do a scene on a subway car between Quogue and Westhampton, he was quick to say yes. Masked men firing guns appeared and the panic by the straphangers seemed real. But what nobody knew was that the lead masked burglar was in fact Commissioner Aspinall himself. “That masked bandit was a classic,” wrote The New York Times. “That’s the best portrayal of a masked bandit I have ever seen,” wrote The Hollywood Reporter at the preview last week in Cannes.

The offers have come flooding in. And the commissioner is off again, but this time it’s to Hollywood and fame and fortune in Tinseltown. We just hope he doesn’t compromise his time with the running of the subway service.

COMMISSIONER RESIGNS

Commissioner Aspinall has resigned from his post. The first show lined up by his agent in his new career as a TV actor was for a featured part, playing the commissioner in the newest episode of Mel Gibson’s upcoming film, Undercover Boss. Anticipating his role, Aspinall spent a day on the maintenance crew of the system, and though he “learned a lot” he said he had no idea that he was so loathed and hated by the employees of the company.

“When this segment finally aired last night, I was embarrassed to my very core. I am resigning to rethink my options. My golden parachute will be deployed just as soon as I can get it open.”

The vice president of the system, Biff Aspinall, is currently in charge. There is a search in progress for a new commissioner. But mostly, everybody just wants to see the commissioner come back to his post. Apparently, he will consider it for a lump sum of money and an apology.