Jeff Goldblum Has Never Been to Long Island & Other Sublime Revelations 

“This is what’s called vamping,” Jeff Goldblum tells the sold-out room at Canoe Place Inn & Cottages in Hampton Bays Thursday night. There was a lot of it. “What’s in a Rusty Nail?” he wants to know. And then, while the audience is yelling answers, he asks, “True or false, I’ve never had a Rusty Nail? It’s false.”

Wait, isn’t this a musical night with a band? OK, orchestra? Hold on. We’ll get there. On Goldblum time. And you’re going to enjoy every minute.

For the record, his favorite drink is a Spicy Virgin Mary. “Did you know there’s fish in the Worcestershire sauce?” Well, technically anchovies, he explains. Oh, and when he’s told the Long Island Iced Tea was actually invented at Canoe Place, he blurts out, “Is this Long Island? Am I in, or rather on Long Island?” The crowd of 400 roars.

He’s kidding right? Well, the thing about an evening with Jeff Goldblum is, he’s a really good actor. His tales of Whoopi Goldberg, Wolfgang Puck, Winona Ryder, Ricola lozenges and, yes, he swears, his first time on Long Island, are killing it with the crowd. He calls it all a part of him “free-associating with the vibrations coming from the walls.”

It’s sounds a lot kookier than it comes off. In more than two hours on stage, his, let’s call it “eccentric warmth” comes across like we’re sitting at home in his den. “Has there ever been a song about Long Island? There’s ‘New York, New York,’ and ‘Manhattan, That Satin Doll’ so Long Island needs a song.” He’s in the new Wicked film that’s coming out in November but tonight he’s all ours.

“This is all part of an incredible summer of music and entertainment at Canoe Place,” explains General Manager Matthew Kristan. He’s known Goldblum since his days at The Carlyle Hotel where the actor and raconteur brought his musical road show several times. “He was just a ‘trio’ then,” Kristan says. Now he’s part of something called “The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra.” It’s obviously a made-up name for “Let’s Just Have Fun.”

At 73, Goldblum roams the stage with the energy of a man half his age. Speaking of which, his wife is in the audience. She’s 41, making her a “Millennial” and that’s news to Goldblum when someone points it out. “Shouldn’t that have been mentioned on our first date?” he asks her.

More laughter.

Now about the music. Standards from several decades get blended into a kind of jazz bouillabaisse. He’s at the piano, playing along and then he’s back on his feet. And the patter is just as free-wheeling as the music. Call it “skat chat.” Topics just seem to fly into his head. He reads a pirate joke off a page for the first time with his guest soloist Tawanda as his Gracie Allen. The man who starred in The Fly, Independence Day and almost all the Jurassic Park movies is now doing a pirate accent. “When it’s not Irish,” he says with a laugh. More roars from the crowd.

This very unique evening comes off as completely improvised. Whether it is or isn’t is part of the genius. The tickets said 8 p.m., but Goldblum took the stage a half hour before that and just started riffing. Audience members getting drinks at the bar scurried in. When the six very accomplished members of the backup band joined him they rolled with the punches and punchlines.

Canoe Place Inn and Cottages has several indoor and outdoor spaces for entertainment, but this is the big room. And Jeff Goldblum is filling it. Next? Another quiz. “Movies made in the Hamptons,” he says with that patented smirk. This room is way ahead of him on that one. He gets one or two words out before a throng screams Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! He nods. Looks for something harder. But he can’t stump us.

What is mystifying is how he can possibly do this kind of rehearsed-unrehearsed evening in venue after venue. You have the sense that his two sold-out shows after this — one in Manhattan and Brooklyn — will be completely different.

I wish I could be there. I’m pretty sure he’s been to both of those places before. But he is an awfully good actor.

Bill McCuddy cohosts Talking Pictures with Neil Rosen on PBS and Air Hamptons with Bridget and Bill on NPR. He is a frequent contributor to Dan’s Papers.