Hampton Subway Commissioner Aspinall Wins Election

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

The producers of a movie script presented to Netflix for consideration met with Commissioner Aspinall to discuss using our subway platforms for the filming. Called Bloody and Disgusting Murders, it will consist of one ghastly unsolved murder every week on a different subway platform. Justin Timberlake is being approached to star in it. Commissioner Bill Aspinall and his new media advisor Samson Lancelot rejected the plan, saying this would not be good publicity for the company.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL WINS ELECTION

The voting for the election of the new Hampton Subway Commissioner took place last Wednesday. On one side was our present commissioner Bill Aspinall, who promised no increase in rider prices until 2040 and to personally shake the hand of anyone who would vote for him. On the other was the challenger, Agnes Gretch-Bakersfield from Midland, Texas who ran on a platform of fiscal responsibility. She would raise rates, cut services and fire staff to make sure that the perennially unbalanced budget is finally balanced and that our children and children’s children would not have to pay for our sins.

In the end, Commissioner Aspinall beat Ms. Gretch-Bakersfield handily, garnering 485 votes out of the 486 cast. (The one for Ms. Gretch-Bakersfield was, it is believed, hers.) In addition, a record number of votes, 487 to be exact, had to be rejected because each voter failed to write the name of Ms. Gretch Whats-Her-Name correctly — although the Commissioner said many spelling variations were quite creative. In his victory speech, the Commissioner said he would make good on his pledge to shake the hand of everyone who voted for him. He would be available standing on the front steps of the Hampton Subway building in Hampton Bays every Wednesday morning at 9 a.m. and would shake as many hands as showed up. It would not be this Wednesday, however, because he would be in Bermuda for the week, and he couldn’t do it the following Wednesday, either, because he would be in Key West. But after that, he’d be there, schedule permitting and if it isn’t raining. Wednesdays at 9 a.m.

SUBWAY EXTENSION MAKES LANDFALL

After nearly two years of trying, the extension of the Hampton Subway from Sag Harbor has finally arrived on the shoreline of Connecticut. Interested parties can climb a long ladder down deep into the earth to arrive at the subway tunnel under the ferry stop at New London.

There will be no subway stop in New London, however. The tunnel has only one destination in mind, and that is the Foxwoods Resort Casino deep in the woods of southeastern Connecticut, where gamblers from Long Island will soon come by subway to play the numbers or watch the entertainment at this great resort. The tunnel station will be in the parking garage of the resort sometime this fall.

The first Long Islander to set foot in Connecticut was Al McConnell, a blue-collar worker from Manorville. He had been in Sag Harbor in the morning aboard the little trolley that takes people out to the workplace. Then, at 3 p.m., covered with soot and dirt, he arrived in his high boots and miner’s helmet in the dank tunnel under the New London Ferry dock, which he had to be told was up there since he was not allowed up there.

A microphone from a Mystic radio station was lowered down to him, though. “It’s good to be on Connecticut soil,” he said. “It’s one step through the mud for man and another step through the mud for everyone else too, or something.”

GETTING SOME SUN

Money is being sought from the federal government to fund a new Hampton Subway Program which will allow subway cars to come to the surface of the earth at certain points in the ride so straphangers can get a little sun as the trains make their way around the system. At these locations, the subway tracks will rise up to just ten feet below the surface so a glass roof constructed on the surface can be opened and passengers permitted for a few seconds to get some sunshine.

These sunshine points will be in Napeague one mile west of “Lunch,” in Southampton by Town Hall and in Noyac just to the west of Trout Pond. Commissioner Aspinall, who is requesting this funding, has applied to the “Shovel Ready” department of the Department of Public Works.

“The Hamptons is a great resort,” the Commissioner said. “People don’t come out here to just go underground. And Vitamin E is good for you. I mean Vitamin D. Whatever.”

Aspinall says that if the application is rejected, he has a Plan B. Tanning studio cars will be offered on every train. And alongside the tracks at numerous locations to be determined, there will be brightly lit tableaus of beach scenes created by local artists and sculptors.

“But that’s only if President Biden doesn’t go along with this,” he said.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

A Long Islander has landed on Connecticut soil; well, actually, under Connecticut soil. This is a great day for the Hampton Subway and for all East Enders. As I promised, the subway will only have one stop in Connecticut and that will be at Foxwoods. Also, those going there will have to show a ticket stub issued here on Long Island to conductors in Foxwoods in order to take the subway back home. No passengers will be allowed to come back to Sag Harbor from Connecticut without the stub. This spur is just for East Enders to Foxwoods and back. I keep my promises.