Hamptons Subway Will Hold Commissioner Election August 28

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Filmmaker Jonathan Baker was seen on the East Hampton platform with a cameraman apparently sizing the platform up for a scene in his next movie. Actress Cameron Diaz was seen heading westbound from Amagansett carrying a case of her new Avaline wine.

TRUMP FAILS TO ACCEPT GIFT

Donald Trump was out in the Hamptons August 2 at a fundraiser in his honor. Although he came and went on the same day, a gift from our Commissioner Aspinall was presented to Trump at his fundraiser. It was a free subway pass to be used by the candidate from 12:01 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. on that day on any subway trains or platforms for that entire time. Why he turned down this gift, we do not know. The commissioner thought he and Trump were friends. Was this gift not big enough for this fellow?

SUBWAYS WILL ACCELERATE FASTER

Last week Hamptons Subway announced that all the engines on its subway cars would be refitted with new turbochargers so that they could accelerate faster. The idea was that with this improved acceleration, more time could be spent sitting in the stations accommodating some of those showing up at the last minute who get to have the subway doors slide closed in their faces.

The three dozen superchargers were spotted by a secretary at our offices in Hampton Bays, Agnes Gretch, while searching for something else on E-Bay. She brought them to the attention of the management. These superchargers had originally been built as attachments for 2003 Opel four-cylinder diesel engines. Our 34 trains have diesel engines that are, in fact, 2004 Opel four-cylinder diesel inlines. We took a chance, figuring the 2003 would fit the 2004 and paid $92.51 for the whole lot of superchargers. What were we to lose?

The supercharged engines do fit. And they have been attached and in effect for a week now on all our subway cars and they work perfectly. Acceleration is now 9.8 seconds to a full 34 miles an hour rather than 14.7 seconds as before.

But there has been a severe problem. The superchargers kick in a full half second after the accelerator is pressed, so there is a lurch. We’ve had two sprains, one broken wrist, a lawsuit and one elderly man whose false teeth flew out and got lost under a seat. We are removing the superchargers and the old reliable Opels will beginning tomorrow morning be pulling the trains without the supercharge. Sorry about the inconvenience.

WILTED FLOWER PEDALS FOUND

Last Wednesday at 6 a.m., when our subway system reopened for the morning after its nightly shutdown at 2 a.m. for maintenance, the first motorman of the day discovered a trail of white flower petals along the tracks for the entire distance between Water Mill and Southampton. Waiting for the janitors to clean it up resulted in a half hour delay in beginning the morning commute. All trains were half an hour late.

Apparently, during the night, some sort of wedding took place down there without Hamptons Subway’s knowledge. If we catch this couple, they will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Also the marriage will be annulled.

ELECTION TIME

Bill Aspinall has been the commissioner of the Hamptons Subway since it was founded. He has done an excellent job, and when he is away on his frequent fact-finding trips, his younger brother Biff is on hand to deal with things.

This summer, however, it was decided by the Board of Directors of the Subway that an election be held for commissioner, with the employees and riders voting in a voting booth in the cafeteria of the Hamptons Subway headquarters building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays on August 28.

There has been one challenger who has thrown her hat into the ring with the present commissioner, and that is Agnes Gretch-Bakersfield, a resident of Midland, Texas, who says she would like to be commissioner instead of the beloved Bill Aspinall, so vote for her! Gretch-Bakersfield is running on a platform of fiscal responsibility. She says she will balance the subway’s perennially unbalanced budget by sweeping away waste, cutting staff and doubling the cost of a token. This way, she says, we can assure our children and our children’s children of a healthy and vibrant subway far into the future.

Gretch-Bakersfield has, up until now, worked in her husband’s mortuary in Midland, embalming bodies. She also worked part time as a bible thumper and was for nearly six months a TV evangelist until the owner of the local cable network she appeared on noticed just how extremely bad she looked on camera and fired her. She has never been to the Hamptons before but says she is willing to learn both about the area and about subways. Until now, she has never even ridden in one, she said laughing.

Agnes Gretch-Bakersfield will be squaring off against our own Commissioner Bill Aspinall. Aspinall has done an excellent job in running the subway all these years and has only raised rates just once when the system converted from tokens to the famous SubCards that sell in denominations and which you swipe. He has been on the cutting edge of things several times, but he has never been either indicted or convicted of anything, and the one time that he was fired for embezzling money for his own personal use, he was soon thereafter begged to return at the helm which he did.

Aspinall has promised to never raise the fares ever again and will personally shake the hand or send an email to any person who votes for him thanking them for his or her support.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Vote for me.