Hamptons Subway Will Invite Two Living Presidents to Ride

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Jill Zarin, one of The Real Housewives of New York City, was seen on the Southampton platform with shopping bags, just like any of the regular Real Housewives of the Hamptons. Restaurateur Scott Sartiano was seen on the westbound platform at our East Hampton stop talking animatedly with Mayor Jerry Larsen.

TWO EX-PRESIDENTS

Our new marketing director, Vince Vaughn, a veteran from radio station KLAD in Los Angeles whom we have hired with high hopes, decided that a good thing to do to draw lots of media attention to the subway would be to invite two of our past living presidents to come and ride it around and around. At the end of the ride, they could talk to the media about their ride and how it plays into their position on celebrating democracy and the right to vote for some but not for others.

But which two to invite? There are five living ex-presidents: Carter, Clinton, W. Bush, Obama and Trump. Vaughn decided to send out an invitation to all of them, figuring that just two would accept, and then we could go ahead with it. But just days after the invites went out, all five said they would be pleased to attend.

This presented a new problem. Which three do you have to turn away? Vaughn met with our commissioner, Bill Aspinall, and several other advisors, and the debate went on for days. Some said don’t invite Clinton. Others said to invite Clinton but not Bush. Still others said you can’t have Trump since inviting him would give him a leg up on Kamala Harris. They were all still debating this when the day the event came, and, well, one of the five ex-presidents showed up, even though we had not yet confirmed that he was one of those selected. We turned him away. But to avoid any embarrassment here, we won’t mention which of the five it was, although you could probably guess. The commissioner later opined that we should have done decorations and festivities and planned speeches just in case one of them did show up, as he did, and because Vaughn did not do so, the commissioner fired him. “Such a debacle,” Commissioner Aspinall said.

HOUSING FOR MARKETING DIRECTORS

Vince Vaughn was the 17th marketing director that Hamptons Subway has had in the last two years, and one of the negatives of always firing them is that they’ve moved here from afar and taken a lease on a house, so that when they leave, the subway system is stuck with the rest of the year’s rent.

As a result of this, the commissioner finally decided to purchase a house just for all future marketing directors. He located a small bungalow near our Hampton Bays central office for sale for $1,295,000, signed a contract for it, and then found that the only mortgage we could get from a bank would be at 28% interest, 15 years, with a $50,000 signing fee, a $50,000 activation fee, a $50,000 bookkeeping fee and an additional $50,000 just-because-we-feel-like-it fee. Furthermore, the total offered for the mortgage would just be $135,000. The president of the bank said the commissioner should understand that they were hoping mortgage rates might rise as the economy improves. Our commissioner is looking elsewhere. Meanwhile, we are putting on hold the hiring of a new marketing director. Of course, if people want to volunteer to do the job, call our commissioner.

“I was surprised my longtime banker friend offered such stiff terms for a loan,” the commissioner said. “I had just read that he had received a $9 million bonus over the holidays and thought he might be in a better mood.”

NEWS ABOUT OUR FIRST SHOVEL-READY PROJECT

It’s slow going for the special machines digging the tunnel deep under Long Island Sound connecting Sag Harbor and a casino in Connecticut for our newest subway stop. Currently, the tunnel is still 22 miles southwest of New London and is moving along inch by inch. Last Tuesday, however, President Joe Biden stepped in to move things along. His announced new shovel-ready project, managed by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), will be to bring 12,000 shovel-wielding American laborers out to get their backs into this and get the tunnel back on track.

Applicants should be in excellent physical condition, be ready, willing and able, possess either work permits or a U. S. birth certificate and bring to the interview a note from their doctor saying they do not suffer from claustrophobia. Applicants may apply by writing to U.S. Shovel-Ready Program, FEMA Office, New Orleans, LA 70032 and be prepared to undergo a physical in Miami’s FEMA office, where a prior shovel-ready project is taking longer than expected. Watch for future notices for time and day.

CLOWNS REMOVED

A group of nine circus clowns were removed from the Amagansett platform last Thursday afternoon after some people complained. It turns out that they were students at the Addison Clown School in Ronkonkoma and were just out there for a school project. Nevertheless, they were booked at East Hampton Justice Court on charges of disturbing the peace, failing to get proper permits and being neglectful in not posting the appropriate amount of insurance bonds required by law. They will appear for the arraignment on Monday. This sort of behavior will not be tolerated.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S WEEKLY MESSAGE

Myself, my brother Biff and our two wives have been staying since Thursday at the Paradise Island Hotel in the Bahamas in order to study the elaborate underwater glass subway tunnels that go along the floor of an enormous shark and tropical fish aquarium so subway riders can be entertained by fish and other underwater life swimming close by, as they go from station to station. I’ve never heard of anything like this before. This morning we were told that the tunnels are not for subway cars but for strollers and tourists. If that turns out to be true, this trip will not be deductible as a business expense and we intend to cut it short. See you soon. But perhaps not.