Is Your Therapist Helping or Harming You?

A recent article in The New York Times headlined Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy? by Ellen Barry discusses an all-too-common trend where therapists are encouraging their patients and clients to sever their ties with their families as a therapeutic step.

Shockingly, almost 30% of adult children are now estranged from their original families, a trend that is unfortunately increasing. Karl Pillemer, a Cornell sociologist who conducted the first large-scale survey on the subject, found that 27% of respondents reported being estranged from a relative, which works out to around 67 million people nationally. Research suggests that it is relatively common for people in their 20s to estrange themselves from a parent, more often a father and that usually the rift is not permanent. However, promotion of estrangement as a therapeutic step is clearly on the rise and is damaging to both individuals and families alike.

For over 35 years I have treated thousands of individuals, couples and families from every walk of life. The goal of therapy, regardless of the presenting problem(s), is to ideally help people find ways to emotionally work through their family of origin issues and traumas that continue to interfere with their lives and relationships. We can’t change our history. However, we often can find ways to help people heal and repair their relationships, so that their lives are not destroyed by their unfinished business and skeletons in their closet.

There are situations of course, where estrangement may in fact be the only viable option. However, in the majority of cases, people are desperate to find ways to work thing out. Therapists need to encourage clients (as long as they feel safe), to engage in hard and oftentimes painful conversations with family members, with the goal being to find win/win resolutions, mutual acceptance, compassion, respect, understanding and love.

If you find yourself in therapy with a therapist who encourages cut-off rather than repair, give yourself permission to run to the nearest exit.

I recently received this email from Lisa, who needed validation and permission to exit her therapeutic relationship with a therapist who was clearly not meeting her needs.

DEAR BEATTY,

I recently began therapy with a well-known Ph.D psychologist in New York City. I am a 45-year-old divorcee. I have been feeling depressed and anxious for some time since my divorce and hoped that therapy would help me feel better about my life. Our first session lasted only 45 minutes. He asked me very few questions and mostly talked about his own clinical experience and books that he had written- that he suggested that I read. His hourly fee was $500. I left feeling confused and let down. I did schedule a second session. Although we talked more about my day to day life, I again felt that nothing was really accomplished. Many of my friends have worked with him and I wonder whether there is something wrong with me for not feeling comfortable and connecting with him. I really want to know your thoughts.

Lisa B. of Sagaponack

DEAR LISA,

I’m so glad that you wrote to me. An initial evaluation should last a minimum of 60 minutes, not 45 minutes or even 50 minutes. You clearly did not get your money’s worth, time wise or substance wise. I’m asking you to trust your feelings. It really doesn’t matter whether your friends had a good or bad experience with this psychologist. All that matters is that you feel heard, understood and listened to. And the last thing that you need is to feel uncomfortable, let down and that nothing was accomplished. I suggest that you read my tips for finding a therapist and that you do your own research and find a therapist who you will connect with.

All the best, Beatty

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly Ask Beatty Show on the Progressive Radio Network. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your comments and questions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information, go to beattycohan.com.