Ask Beatty: Summer Is Over- What's Next?

It’s always amazing to me how quickly the summer months have flown by. Hopefully, you and your loved ones have been able to take some time to enjoy the beauty that surrounds us in the Hamptons. Children are back at school and many parents are experiencing an “empty nest” for the first time, as their offspring go off to college. The only constant is change. So what’s next? What are your plans, goals and aspirations for the new season? Are you happy with the status quo or are there some things in your life that need some modification or change?

Every week on my “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network, I ask my listeners to assess their mental health, relationships, finances, lifestyle and overall health. I think that it’s important that we routinely take an honest look at where we’re at in these important areas of our life. We then have an opportunity to make some adjustments, big and small, so that we can consciously navigate our lives in ways that are in our best interest.

I recently received an email from Barbara, a 50-year-old married woman whose daughter recently left for college.

Dear Beatty,

My daughter, Samantha, graduated from high school in June and recently left for college halfway around the country. I’ve been a full-time mother since she was born. I thought I was mentally and emotionally prepared for her leaving. However, I’m having a really difficult time accepting and adjusting to my new “empty nest” reality. My husband travels a lot, so I’m having to deal with the empty house and missing my daughter mostly on my own. Beatty, I’m really struggling. When I try to talk about this with my husband, John, his response is, “You need to find something to occupy your time.” Fortunately, we are in a good financial position, so that I don’t need to worry about finding a paying job. I hope you can help me figure out how I can feel better and begin to accept this new chapter in life.

Barbara K.
Southampton, NY

Dear Barbara,

Trust me. You are not alone in feeling the way you do. I remember feeling exactly the same way when my own daughter left for college. In my situation, I had a full-time career, lots of friends and a supportive husband. Yet, like yourself, when the new reality set in, I, too, struggled for a while until I found my new equilibrium. For months I called and texted her too often. I found it really hard letting go of my little girl, who was no longer the “little girl,” but a young adult who was thrilled to be beginning her new and independent life. The missing and pain lessened over time. However, the truth is that I still feel that knot in my stomach every time she comes home and leaves.

In your situation, since you have been a full-time mom and have a husband that’s frequently away on business, the goal now is for you to figure out what’s next for Barbara, over and above being a mother and wife. What are your interests? Do you want to go back to school? Are there courses that you would like to take or a language that you would like to learn? Would you enjoy a part-time job? Are you interested in volunteering or traveling? Do you have dreams of FILL IN THE BLANK…that you put on hold over all these years? How is your relationship with your husband? Is he being sensitive to your having an understandably difficult time letting go? Can you talk to him about your feelings? He too may be having some difficulty accepting the fact that his baby girl has gone off to college. Now that it’s just the two of you on a day-to-day basis, are there issues in your marriage that may have been put on the backburner that need to be acknowledged, addressed and solved?

These passages are a reminder of the passing of time. At every stage, we need to evaluate whether we are indeed on a path that is working for us. There are three questions that I routinely ask my patients to consider when they are evaluating their lives and relationships:

What do I want and need at this particular juncture in my life?

What do I not want and need?

Describe the reality of my life and relationships.

These questions force us to take an honest look at where we’re at. More importantly, they help us to figure out what changes and detours we might be willing to consider if we feel that we are at an impasse.

This work can be very challenging and, as I remind my listeners on my “Ask Beatty Show” every week, we don’t need to navigate life’s ups and down on our own. Sometimes the very best thing that you can do for yourself is reach out and get some good professional help.

Good luck on your new journey,

Beatty

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.. A.A.S.E.C.T., is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your questions and comments to  BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.