Ask Beatty: Chasing Fame & Fortune at All Costs

A recent article in The New York Times, “How An Instagram-Perfect Life Ended in Tragedy, Katherine Rosman,” recounts how Brandon Miller died in the garage of the couple’s $8 million Hamptons home, after waiting for his wife Candace and the couple’s two young daughters to leave for a European vacation. Police were notified that a carbon monoxide alarm had gone off at the Miller’s home. Officials found Mr. Miller unconscious in a white Porsche that he had rigged to poison himself. They also found a photo of himself, his wife and their children next to him in the car. After being rushed to a hospital and placed on life support, he passed away. It has been reported that Miller owed an estimated $17 million at the time of his suicide.

This article is not meant to blame or judge the tragic figures in this story, but rather to try and understand why people choose to deny and avoid dealing with their underlying issues and the potential consequences of their inaction.

The reality is that many people live beyond their means, with the hope and false belief that the bigger, better house, car, vacation and country club membership will translate into feeling better about oneself and one’s life. If only it were true! What is it about our obsession with hobnobbing with the rich and famous that has such fascination and allure that so many people are willing to do almost anything to be in their company, including going into debt and selling their souls? And is it really worth spending $315,000 on an 18-karat diamond Himalayan Birkin bag? When chasing money and celebrity becomes our raison d’etre, is when people can get themselves into trouble in a variety of ways.

In a recent book How to Marry Money, a candid guide to landing the millionaire of your dreams, author Kevin Doyle teaches the reader how to meet the rich, how to behave around them and how to blend in without breaking the bank. He promises that by following his advice you’ll learn how to instantly recognize the financial stature of each man or woman in every room you enter, put yourself in the right place at the right time to gain access to rich, single people and prevent certain embarrassing friends and family from derailing the gravy train.

Are these really the most important things to think about and look for in our quest for love? Is this really what we want to teach our children what to look for in a partner? I think not.

Or what about Patti Stanger, host of The Millionaire Matchmaker on Netflix. She claims to tell people what makes ultra-wealthy daters tick and what millionaires want in a spouse. Her online advertising promises that she can change your life by changing your energy in just one session. The price for a Lunch With Patti is $10,000. A one-hour phone consultation is $1,800. Would you seriously consider spending his astronomical fee for lunch with a reality television star, who has no clinical credentials?

What It’s Really Like Treating the Rich and Famous

Over the past 35 years, I have had an opportunity in my private practice in Providence, Rhode Island, Sarasota, Florida, New York City and East Hampton to treat many of the rich and famous — people who we read about and may even envy. We read about their lavish lifestyles, yachts, private planes, designer clothes and opulent lifestyles. We wonder what it must be like to — at least on the surface — never have to worry about money. Some people believe that having a lot of money insulates us from life’s day-to-day problems. It’s true that not having to worry about how you will feed your children is definitely a plus. However, having a great deal of money does not protect us from mental illness, relationship and sexual problems, substance abuse, domestic violence, financial challenges, infidelity, estrangement, illness or death.

What does contribute to people’s happiness and well-being — whether they are rich or poor — is their willingness to emotionally work through their problems that continue to play havoc with their lives and relationships. The props that we hope will alleviate our depression and unhappiness in our personal and professional and financial relationships work only for a short period of time. Many CEOs that I work with — both women and men alike — discover that their skeletons in the closet often going back to their own families of origin, are at the core of their unhappiness. Through our therapy, they are ready to begin to acknowledge, address and resolve the real issues, both past and present, that are interfering with the quality of their lives and relationships. The reality is that most are successful.

I only wish that Brandon Miller had been able to talk with his wife about the reality of their financial situation and his depression since he acknowledged in his final email to her that he had been struggling with dark feelings for years. Surely, together, they would have been able to find a way that could have prevented their tragedy. As I remind my listeners every week on my Ask Beatty Show, if you are battling depression or suicidal thoughts, for whatever reasons, please give yourself permission to reach out and ask for help. We don’t need to navigate life’s ups and downs alone.

Beatty Cohan MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your comments and questions at beattycohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com