Hamptons Subway Discovers a New Stop

Natalie Portman was seen on the East Hampton platform waiting for a train to take her to Sag Harbor last Saturday afternoon. Blythe Danner and her daughter Gwyneth Paltrow were seen going up the escalator at the Amagansett stop. Elon Musk, looking sort of grim, got off at the Quogue station but then hopped back on it. He later said he was off to see friends in Quiogue, but got confused by the names being almost the same.

BAN ON MOVIE MAKING WILL BE A MOVIE

The banning of film making on the Hampton Subway, put into effect last week by order of our commissioner after a number of attacks on straphangers by superheroes during filmmaking, has resulted in the announcement of a new film. It is to be titled “Attack on Hampton Subway,” and will star Robert deNiro, Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford along with a guest appearance by Jack Nicholson. It will be filmed in the Toronto Subway System.

NEW SUBWAY STOP?

It appears there may be a stop on Hamptons Subway that nobody has known about before now.  There is a long stretch between Bridgehampton and Mecox where the train achieves its maximum cruising speed and things whiz by in the darkness. But the other day, the motorman on one subway saw what appeared to be an overhead light on above a platform about halfway between the two known stops. He was on his proper time schedule so he did not even slow down, but he called the sighting in to Subway Headquarters in Hampton Bays when he pulled into Southampton and said it appeared to have tiles and signage and everything.

The big issue is – if this is what it appears to be – who turned on a light? Because of this, nobody has gone down there to look because they don’t want to go without a gun and guns are not permitted on the subway system. The Hampton Subway police don’t even carry them. But some old-timers say there used to be a Hayground stop on the subway, and this is probably it.

When an exception to the gun law comes through, a safari expedition will be sent off to investigate whatever this is, but in the meantime, as you pass inside the subway car about halfway between Bridgehampton and Mecox, just look away or bury your head in a newspaper or something. We don’t want to excite whatever this might be.  More next week.

NO FOOD OR DRINK

We repeat that it is against the law to carry an open glass of liquid onto the subway. It is just common sense.  With all the banging around on the sharp turns or the bouncing up and down along the straightaways, a lot can get turned upside down on, say, your neighbor. Hampton Subway assumes no liability for the loss of whatever you might spill on other people and it accepts no liability for whatever physical harm might ensue as a result. No open liquids on the subway.

In further discussions about this – here are things that CAN be brought on. Cookies, cakes (but not ice cream cakes), jello (fun to watch), walnuts, cashews and frozen shakes would be ok for trips of one stop or less.

SUBWAY ETIQUETTE   

It is not necessary to move to the back of the train to let others on. It is a good idea to move to the ends of the cars so the sliding doors are more accessible to those coming and going. It is not necessary to get up when a lady gets on a subway train. Babies must be carried. Strollers must be folded. Bags, shoulder bags and briefcases are fine, but steamer trunks are not. Do not bring anything on fire onto a subway car.

NO CAMPAIGNING

As everyone also knows, there is no campaigning for public office allowed on the subway system.  This law came about some years ago when one particular politician was shaking so many hands on the Southampton platform, his activities blocked people from getting onto the trains, something he described to the subway police as being because he was loved so much.

The subway police are trained and know the difference between campaigning and simply talking with others about who they will vote for and why, which is permitted according to the rules of free speech.

SHOCK ABSORBER PROGRAM CONTINUES

New shock absorbers continue to be installed on selected subway cars every week. We will not stop until we get them all done, although it appears – this always happens with these suppliers – we will finish with one shock absorber short rather than have one shock absorber left over.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Greetings to all from the mountains of Ecuador where cool breezes blow every day. I’m touring this area to see if a subway might make sense for the local citizenry who hope for better times here in this capital city, whatever its name is. While here I’m sampling the local cuisine and customs and so I say “Bariataah Abliarathaha” to you all. And for a cooling afternoon breeze in the Hamptons, go down the escalators to the subway platforms and take a windy ride to any station you wish and enjoy the underground breezes. Subway windows are open this time of year so be careful not to touch the wet walls of the tunnels outside as they slide by.