Ask Beatty: Learn to Live Your Life in the Moment

For overs 35 years I have treated thousands of men and women and children from every socioeconomic background, religion, race and sexual orientation. No one is immune from life’s difficulties and its inevitable ups and downs. The majority of people who contact me are struggling with problems including: depression, anxiety, substance abuse, traumas of various kinds and relationship and sexual problems. They feel lost, alone, confused and frightened and don’t know what to do. If you find yourself on a never-ending emotional rollercoaster ride, now is the time to figure out what’s standing in your way of being able to live your best life now. I encourage you to not give up on yourself or on life, but rather to be open and willing to take whatever steps are necessary to work through your issues so that you can live the life that you want and deserve.

EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY WITH NEW POSSIBILITIES

What’s your mindset when you wake up every morning? Do you look forward to the day with the excitement and anticipation of exploring new possibilities and adventures, meeting new people, falling in love, setting new goals, going back to school, getting healthier, learning another language, traveling to a foreign country, finding new interests, developing new hobbies, discovering ways to give back, or exploring religious or spiritual affiliations? Or do you wake up feeling stuck and immobilized, unable to experience or imagine the awe and wonder of being alive?

HOW SELF-SABOTAGING MESSAGES DERAIL US

Remember that no one gets a pass on having to deal with pain, rejection and disappointments. What stands in your way of being able to visualize a better day and a more fulfilling life? Is it the “I can’t do this” message that plays in your head? Or perhaps it’s the “I don’t deserve to be happy” tape that you hear. Or do you hear negative and belittling messages from your parents or exes or other toxic people in your life – including yourself – that reinforce your negative beliefs about how you’re not good enough, smart enough, successful enough or pretty enough? Clearly, if that’s the case, there’s an urgent need for both a mindset and reset. It’s time to figure out what positive changes you need to make in your life. What steps, even small steps, are you willing to take to make today a better day?

FREEING ONESELF FROM PAST TRAUMAS

Young children who hear from their parents that “they can do it” and that “anything is possible” learn early on to believe in themselves. Those very early lessons help shape our self-esteem and sense of self. They give us a head start, since we’ve already learned and experienced a “fan club,” namely our parents, who believe in us and who love us. We internalize the phrase that the world is our oyster. This is why having a loving support system (even one person will do) to help us through our ups and downs is so important to our emotional and physical well-being.

Almost without exception it’s been my patients’ “unfinished business” and “skeletons in the closet” that have made it more difficult for them to deal with their current issues. Why is this, you might ask? The reality is that the past and the present often become merged and blurred. For example, a woman may be enraged with her parents or an ex-partner and unwittingly and unconsciously take out her anger and disappointments on her dog or current partner or boss or even herself. Even though we can’t change our histories in terms of what did and didn’t happen, a therapeutic process that encourages people to freely express their feelings without judgment or criticism, can enable them to gain clarity and perspective about what the “real” issues are that continue to play havoc with their lives and relationships. It is at this point that real change is possible. People are no longer confused and immobilized. They now realize what they want and need and don’t want. They know the steps that they need to begin to take that will help them get to where they want to go. For many, it is the first time in their lives that they are able to live happily and peacefully in the present. They can now create a road map that will enable them to live a life that they can truly enjoy and embrace.

Beatty Cohan M.S.W, L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” n the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your comments and questions at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com