Hampton Subway Officially Opens Foxwoods Stop (Again)

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Tucker Carlson, the former TV commentator for Fox News, interviewed Steven Cohen, the owner of the New York Mets, on the Hamptons Subway Sag Harbor platform on Friday. They had to use special sound-muffling equipment, but they got it to work. This was the first time a live TV interview was held on our system.

THE DOG RULE

We would like to repeat the dog rule. Only dogs that can be either carried in a container or kept on a subway rider’s lap under the control of the owner during the trip are to be allowed on the subway. Great Danes, no matter how successful owners say they are in having them on their laps, do not qualify.

SANTA CLAUS?

As the holiday season approaches, we are considering, once again, having Santa Claus as the motorman on the subway train on Dec. 7, Saturday. We did this last year for the first time, but few people noticed because there are seven trains running around on the system and only one had Santa.This was a great disappointment to the children, not seeing Santa drive other trains. Therefore, this year we are considering having Santa motormen on all the trains in the system on Dec. 7. But would that be too confusing for the kids standing on local platforms, who would be seeing one here and another there as the express trains come through without stopping?

THAT TWO-HOUR DELAY

On Tuesday, Oct. 8, there were considerable delays in the subway service. At 8 a.m., our esteemed Commissioner Bill Aspinall held a ceremony with wreaths and flowers on the East Hampton platform to celebrate our new subway sister system partnership with the Deauville Subway System in Deauville, France. It was a sort of hands-across-the-water thing, a ceremonial bonding between these two subway systems in the sister city tradition. The mayor of Deauville, Monsieur Bergerac de Frominac, was expected to be on hand, but as it turned out, he declined to come, once he found out this was just some hoax perpetrated on Hampton Subway.  Deauville does not have a subway system.

In the event, a local community theater actor named Hans Beveneaux played the role of Monsieur Bergerac de Frominac.

And our commissioner played along, good sport that he is. The reason the event was held in spite of the fact that Deauville does not have a subway system was that the caterer had been hired, the marching band had been engaged, and with all the money already spent in advance and the press excited about getting a decent breakfast and all, it was decided to hold the event anyway.

BOTTLE PICKUP

Straphangers who have plastic bottles to throw out as they head off on the subway system should know that the last car on each train is set aside for bottle and plastic collection. Whatever is in there is taken to the dump every Monday at 2 a.m. when the system shuts down for maintenance. It is just Hamptons Subway doing its part in the fight against the environment.

BROOKHAVEN SCIENTISTS HERE

Five officials from Brookhaven National Lab were taken around the 60-mile loop of the subway system by the commissioner last Wednesday. The officials are considering buying the subway system and turning it into a giant atom smasher similar to the one that opened at CERN in Switzerland 18 years ago. At 62 miles, the Hampton Subway would be .4 miles longer than the CERN smasher, so the record for biggest one would return to America. Turns out it might also be possible to have the atoms singing around the system in a tube inside the subway tunnels in a way that would allow the subway system to continue on with its service too.

WEDDING BELLS

A marriage is in the future for Bobbi Erickson, 22, who is a train dispatcher in our Hampton Bays central office and Eric Bobson, 28, a flagman at Water Mill.   It was when they learned that their names were backwards to one another that romance bloomed. The pair plan to be married on Thanksgiving Day in the cafeteria at our central office. Big turkeys are in their future.

SPUR TO FOXWOODS OPENS SOFTLY

With little fanfare, our new subway stop at Foxwoods in Connecticut opened for business last week. Straphangers can now go back and forth by subway between the gambling casino and the South Fork simply by toodling over to the Sag Harbor station and following directions for the $ Train.

A fund is being set up to benefit the families of those gamblers heading up to Connecticut. They’re going to need it. Various clocks are being cleaned.  But those going to Foxwoods say they get their money’s worth.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

It’s good to be back in America. I nearly missed the Deauville Hands-Across-the-Water Ceremony because our plane was grounded because of the typhoon that sideswiped the Fiji Islands where I was on Monday. You may have read about it. Fiji has no subway system, so I paid for this vacation for my wife and I myself.