Hamptons Subway Southampton Escalators Have Been Repaired

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Itzhak Perlman, the brilliant conductor and violinist who with his wife Toby heads up the Perlman Music School on Shelter Island, was seen traveling between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor enjoying the Mozart played on board by their latest protégé, Corlione Karputnik, a recent Russo-Italian immigrant to America.  Karputnik, who plays the viola, played brilliantly while subway riders placed coins in his cup as they strolled by. Mrs. Perlman discovered him there on a prior trip.

HIGH SCHOOL SUBWAY DAY

Last Sunday, all day, was High School Subway Day on the Hamptons Subway. All the employees of the subway system took the day off and the juniors and seniors from the seven high schools in the Hamptons and the North Fork successfully ran things for the day. Kids from Westhampton Beach took over platform security, Hampton Bays kids manned all the token booths and turnstiles, Montauk kids cleaned all the trains in the night at the Montauk Subway Yards and juniors and seniors from the remaining schools took to the jobs of running the seven trains that are in use at any one time in the system. Motormen were from Bridgehampton, flagmen from Pierson in Sag Harbor, token booth operators from Greenport, conductors from Amagansett, maintenance crews from Shelter Island and Southold.  One of the biggest jobs, that of commissioner for the day, went to the valedictorian of East Hampton High School, Patricia Enstine, and chairman of the board for the day went to the salutatorian of Southampton, Henry McKraken.

And everything went just fine. What a group of High School Kids. Two years ago when we first did this on Kids Day, Oct. 1, we had three train collisions; last year on Oct. 1, two. And this year, none! Congratulations to everyone.

TUESDAY MORNING DELAYS

Next Tuesday, Aug. 31, expect delays of up to one hour on the subway system as our esteemed Commissioner Bill Aspinall holds a ceremony with wreaths and flowers on the East Hampton platform at 8 a.m. to celebrate our new subway sister system partnership with the Deauville Subway System in Deauville, France. The Mayor of Deauville, Monsieur Bergerac de Frominac, will be on hand. It will be a sort of hands across the water thing, a ceremonial bonding between these two subway systems in the sister city tradition. The press is welcome and enjoy the wine and cheese and report upon the speeches.

WELCOME HOME

Beatrice Kimball, Marilyn Todd, Thomas Todd and Henrietta Todd, who have been stranded up at Foxwoods after failing to have the necessary ID to take the subway back to Sag Harbor, are finally home safe and sound, along with the six-man rescue party that delivered the necessary documents to them. It’s celebration time.

ESCALATORS FINALLY REPAIRED AT SOUTHAMPTON STATION

It took two weeks, but the escalators stuck in the “Going Up” position at the Southampton Station platform even when the power was turned off have finally been repaired. The cause of the problem was a raccoon, who got trapped in the innards of the escalator and became an unexpected electrical conduit between two electric wires, thus circumventing an automatic shut-off system. As a result, the escalators just kept on going UP for 11 days and it became very difficult for straphangers, except for the most athletic, to use the Southampton Station without getting sucked up and out into the street. As for the repairmen, they were baffled by the problem for the longest time and were unable to get in there for fear of electric shock, which their union contracts says they must at all costs avoid. The raccoon was finally found behind a metal plate. On one level, we feel sad that an innocent creature not convicted of any wrongdoing had to die like this. On the other hand, he was well cooked. PETA is investigating.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANET CONKLIN

Janet Conklin has worked on the subway system as a flagperson since it opened three years ago. Her station is east of the Hampton Bays stop and she has never sent trains through erroneously. Happy 51st, Janet. Many more happy returns.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

As we go to press, I am sad to say, I have learned that the Deauville Subway System is just some kind of joke.  There is no Deauville Subway System. It was merely the invention of a writer in Deauville named Vite Abamour, who thought it would be fun if they had a mythical subway system.

I do not take kindly to this sort of subterfuge.  The mayor of Deauville, apparently, was just going to be Vite Abamour in disguise. The real mayor of Deauville sent me a telegram about this just this morning.  So the event is cancelled.

Since the flowers, wine and cheese have been ordered for delivery to the East Hampton station, however, we will, at 9 a.m. next Tuesday, make it available to all straphangers who wish to partake at that time. Bon appetit.

As for the press, who have already shown their willingness to make a big joke over this embarrassment, they will not be welcome. Get your free eats elsewhere, boys.