Hamptons Subway Launches First Paid Trip to Foxwoods

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Real Housewives star Bethenny Frankel was seen on the Water Mill platform carrying a small desk lamp while waiting for an eastbound train last Thursday.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

For many years now, Hamptons Subway has contracted with the Subway restaurant chain to provide those little food kiosks you see on every platform. It’s been a good relationship and we are proud of it, but this last week the restaurant chain got itself into a peck of trouble. It’s been of its own making. Ten days ago, they announced that in honor of the Hampton International Film Festival which begins today and runs for the next twelve days, they will be offering up a special cheeseburger, at an increased price of course, which they would call the Steven Spielberger, thus honoring one of the first pioneer filmmakers building a home in the Hamptons.

As a result, lawyers stating they were representing Mr. Spielberg filed a cease and desist action demanding that Subway the restaurant and Hamptons Subway drop their plans. Reasons given were 1. Mr. Spielberg knew nothing about it, 2. Biting into an image of Mr. Spielberg might be considered a hostile act. 3. Mr. Spielberg might be sued by those thinking he was somehow connected with this offer, 4. If he were interested in this promotion which he was not, he would need to approve of the ingredients and spices used to make a Steven Spielberger, 5. His name is copyrighted and cannot be used without his permission. 6. He yesterday received a stop work order from The Pure Food and Drug Act which stated going ahead would violate a federal law and 7. Mr. Spielberg might not even be here for the film festival as his current schedule requires him to be on the set in Bosnia for his newest film “E.T. Text Home” beginning October 4.

As a result of this, the Subway restaurant chain called off this promotion and announced all Steven Spielbergers currently in the restaurant’s freezers will be transferred to various food pantries in our area to be given away free.

Hamptons Subway stands behind Subway restaurant in support of this decision.

ESCALATORS MALFUNCTION AGAIN

As happened last October, both escalators leading down to the Southampton platform got stuck in the going-up position simultaneously at rush hour last Tuesday. The result, as before, were hundreds of prospective passengers down on the platform sucked up to street level to be seen wandering around in Agawam Park wondering what the hell had happened.

BANDS BANNED

Due to the many complaints received at our Hampton Bays headquarters about the hip-hop, rock and roll and country western bands playing on the platforms too loud, we are regretfully unable to allow this practice to continue. What we WILL do, however, is allow the bands formerly playing on the platforms to play inside the subway cars, one band to a subway train. If people on the train object, they can always move to another car.

As for those who love music and will no longer be able to enjoy a full length tune as the trains come through, they can take solace in the fact that they will be able to hear each band for the full 50 seconds from the time it pulls in to take on passengers until it pulls out. After that, even if the song is not completed, people will have been able to pick up enough of the tune to be able to hum it to its conclusion after the train is gone.

FIRST PAYING PASSENGERS GO TO FOXWOODS ON SUBWAY

Four residents of Sag Harbor, Beatrice Kimball, Marilyn Todd, Thomas Todd and Henrietta Todd became the first passengers to take the Hamptons Subway’s new spur from Sag Harbor to Foxwoods last Thursday. Their names were picked out of a hat for the privilege.

“It took much longer than we thought,” said Mr. Todd. “Two and a half hours is a long time to be on a subway train.”

The tunnel goes north under Shelter Island and the North Fork, then due west around the giant underwater oil field recently discovered under the seabed in Long Island Sound, then across the Sound at Port Jefferson and then east by Northeast to Foxwoods.

The Newsletter interviewed the foursome in Foxwoods because at the moment, Connecticut State regulations do not permit subway travel to Long Island yet, which means you can go up there, but so far not come back.

“We had hoped to have the special Connecticut law exemption cards available to visitors by the time of this historic journey, but the cards are still at the printer in Oakland, California,” said Subway Commissioner Aspinall. “We should have them soon.  They will be Fed Exed to the quartet in Foxwoods as soon as possible.”

The new subway spur is a wonder of the ages. Eighty miles long, it took two years to complete and cost $4 billion, which was $3.5 billion more than the bid from the contractor, Biff Aspinall Contracting. Of course, rather than just 18 miles direct, it had to skirt around the oil field.

“You gets what you pay for,” said the commissioner in a recent interview.

The tunnel also cannot be used in the return lane because workmen must plug an underwater leak that recently appeared midway between the two locations.