Hamptons Subway Team Stranded at Foxwoods

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Last Tuesday evening, Sarah Jessica Parker was seen sitting on the westbound subway at Amagansett wearing sunglasses and hoping nobody would notice.

TO THE SUBWAY PASSENGERS STUCK AT FOXWOODS:  HELP IS ON THE WAY

A rescue party consisting of six employees of Hamptons Subway took the subway on the new spur from Sag Harbor to Foxwoods two days ago to bring the four passengers stranded there back to the Hamptons. Unfortunately, none of the members of the rescue party had the proper paperwork either, and so now there are 10 people without paperwork stranded at Foxwoods.

The whole thing is quite frustrating. A month ago, the spur, after two years of underwater construction along the seabed across Long Island Sound, arrived at New London and then continued on to Foxwoods. The ribbon was cut there three weeks ago. But then it was learned that the State of Connecticut, hoping to stop a decline in that state’s population, began requiring that visitors arriving in Connecticut by subway get the proper paperwork to return home to wherever it is they came from. It was a testing of the waters, so to speak, for that state. If it worked, it was reported, they’d expand the law to include other modest forms of transportation such as ferries, helicopters and limousines. So, at the present time, everything is on hold until the new law’s “Application Form for an Exemption to the Return Law” is printed. Thus the problem.

For the families of the subway employees attempting the rescue, and for Beatrice Kimball, Marilyn Todd, Thomas Todd and Henrietta Todd, who by lottery won the right to be the first Long Island residents to take the subway to Foxwoods, we say hang on, you will be back soon, so help us God.

ESCALATORS CONTINUE TO MALFUNCTION AT SOUTHAMPTON

Workmen have so far been unable to fix the problem with the escalators at the Southampton Subway Station. The escalators have been stuck in the going-up position for the past two weeks.

“Even when we turn the whole thing off they still go up,” work foreman Sean O’Reilly says. “They must be gettin’ the juice from somewhere but so far we can’t find it.”

At the present time, only the very athletic can get down to the platform at the Southampton stop.  We regret the inconvenience. For the convenience of those riders who must use the Southampton station, we will be opening the subway’s sliding doors for 20 seconds instead of the usual 15 there to allow for more successful boarding until we get this fixed.

INTERNET SERVICE TO BE SHUT DOWN TEMPORARILY

After a woman from Quogue said she had her identity stolen while using her iPhone on the subway, we have decided to shut down the internet access for the next month while we study the problem. Until now, internet access has been unsecured. No password is required to use it while on the subway. Apparently, somehow, this has created an unwanted entrée for some, and this is the problem.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

With the presidential election close at hand, the Republican Election Committee has gone bonkers on social media to protest Hamptons Subway for refusing to allow Mr. Trump to hold a rally on the Hampton Bays platform – while the next day allowing Ms. Harris to hold a rally there – to which nobody came.

This story is just a big fib. And a sad one too because of my longtime friendship with Donald Trump.  We’re both acquaintances of Rudy Giuliani, who used to live in the Hamptons and take Hamptons Subway all the time, and there’s a bronze statue of the three of us happily together with our arms around each other that stood on the Westhampton Beach platform but is now in storage because there is no campaigning allowed by either side on our subway system, and it is strictly enforced.

Yes, we did receive an application to hold a rally that Mr. Trump would have attended, which we turned down.

And we did receive a letter from the Harris campaign asking what the rules were about having a rally, and we replied no campaigning allowed, and so the Democrats never made any application.

The fib is that when the Republican National Committee learned the date the Democrats were interested in but never applied for, the Republicans went on social media to say the Democrat rally had gone ahead anyway but nobody came.

I am particularly upset about this because in the end, I was forced – because of my friendship with Mr. Trump – to falsely confirm that what they said had actually taken place when it had not. And I say this because now it is clear that the cash that was supposed to be given to me for saying that has not shown up.

What a mess. And I’m sure Mr. Trump knows nothing about this.