The Ask Beatty Advice Column: Three Years and Counting

Every month for the past three years, I have written two “Ask Beatty” advice columns for Dan’s Papers. This translates into 72 columns – and counting. The subject matter has dealt with issues that I routinely deal with in my private practice, including clinical depression, anxiety, sexual abuse, sexual problems, relationship issues, infidelity, marital problems, suicide, estrangement, domestic violence and loneliness. Readers routinely email me commenting on the columns, usually thanking me for tackling the painful, but very real problems that many people experience. Some are able to give themselves permission to ask for therapy for the first time in their lives.

If there’s one thing that I hope that I have convinced you of is that no one is immune from life’s adversities and that we don’t need to navigate the ups and down of life on our own. My patients are my heroes. They all have taken the very difficult and painful step of of allowing themselves to be vulnerable – to once and for all be willing to acknowledge, address and resolve (as best as we can, since we can’t change our histories) the issues that continue to get in the way of their lives and relationships.

My recent article on estrangement – “A Family Crisis: 1 in 4 Adults Are Estranged From their Family: Possible Pathways to Reconciliation” – struck a particularly responsive chord with readers. I received many emails from distraught and devastated parents whose adult children want nothing to do with them. These parents reached out to me hoping that I might be able to help mend their seemingly intractable family wounds. The following is a recent email that I received. I have changed all the identifying information, so as to protect the anonymity and confidentiality of my patients.

Dear Beatty,

My husband and I have been married for almost 50 years and have two adult children: James, a 30-year-old musician living in California, and Samantha, a 45-year-old dermatologist in New York City. Both are single and have never married. My marriage has been extremely difficult and although I considered divorce on numerous occasions, Matthew and I continue to try to find ways to stay together. Perhaps at some time we should see you for marriage counseling. However, this is not why I’m writing you. Twenty months ago my daughter called us and accused my husband of sexually abusing her when she was a little girl. She also accused me of knowing and being complicit by doing nothing about it.

During the five-minute conversation that we had with her, she said that this would be the last time that we would ever hear from her again. We were aghast. We had so many questions for her. We wanted the opportunity to hear more of what she had to say and what she said that she had experienced. We’ve called her and have sent dozens of cards and emails. There has been no response. We are heartbroken. We’ll do anything to try and get to the bottom of this so that repair may be possible. By the way, not once did I ever worry about my husband hurting or abusing our daughter in any way nor was there any indication that abuse of any kind was happening. On the contrary, she was a happy little girl, with lots of friends, who did well in school and who seemed to be thriving. Please give us some advice. We will gladly travel to New York City to see you if you feel that you can help us.

Sharon K. Palm Beach, Florida                                                                        

UPDATE

I did in fact meet with with Matthew and Sharon at my New York City office. We spent over three hours together. Matthew categorically denied ever hurting or abusing his daughter in any way. He acknowledged that on occasion he would walk around their house in his underwear, but that he never touched his daughter. Sharon reiterated that she too never worried about her husband’s relationship with their daughter. I asked them whether they would agree to my contacting Samantha and inviting her to a session. They were in favor of anything that might help.

MY MEETING WITH SAMANTHA

After some initial texting, Samantha agreed to meet with me. She presented as a lovely, bright, sensitive, insightful, attractive woman, who was clearly in a lot of pain about her estrangement with her parents. She told me that she has been in therapy for many years. She described in great detail how her father raped her on numerous occasions from ages 6-8.  She described him coming into her bed and penetrating her. She also told me that she had many urinary tract infections as a child and that no one,  including her pediatrician, ever questioned why this might be happening.

She also said that she was diagnosed with vaginismus many years ago, a condition in which involuntary muscle spasm interferes with vaginal intercourse or other penetration of the vagina. This often results in pain with attempts at sex that make intercourse very painful. And finally, she said that any attempt at reconciliation would be impossible unless her father was willing to acknowledge the sexual abuse. She was adamant that her mother knew about the abuse and had done nothing to protect her. Since Samantha gave me permission to share what had transpired in our session, my next step was to reach out to her parents.

THE DILEMMA: HE SAID, SHE SAID

After meeting with Samantha, I had another session with her parents on Zoom. I shared with them what Samantha told me. Namely, that any attempts at reconciliation would not be possible unless Matthew was willing to acknowledge that he raped his daughter multiple times. Both Sharon and Matthew said they would never agree to confess to their daughter’s false accusations (their words, not mine). So who’s telling the truth?  Did the abuse really occur? False memory occurs in only 2-8% of cases. “Consensus among memory researchers agree that most people who were sexually abused as children remember all or part of what happened to them, although they may not fully disclose it at the time. However, these leaders also agree that it’s possible to construct convincing pseudomemories that never occurred. Without corroborative evidence, it’s impossible to distinguish a true memory from a false one.” (American Psychological Association).

What happened 20 months ago that prompted Samantha to disclose the alleged abuse? Is it possible that Matthew really did not remember abusing his daughter and may have been in a dissociative state during the alleged abuse? One study found that half of convicted sex offenders reported forgetting instances of sexual abuse and that this was related to dissociation during the offense and in everyday life. The definition of dissociation refers to a psychological state where an individual becomes disconnected from their thoughts, feelings, memories or even their own sense of identity. All of these unanswered questions! What to do to get to the truth? Since Samantha has her own therapist, I doubt whether she would be willing to work with me. The parents are asking me for help in trying to live their lives knowing that they may never see their daughter again.

NEXT STEPS

Sharon and Matthew have scheduled another in person session with me. It remains to be seen what the eventual outcome to this painful situation will be. I will keep you posted.

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your questions and comments at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com