Hamptons Subway Cars Stolen in Montauk

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Steven Spielberg was seen talking to Lorne Michaels on the westbound platform at the Hamptons Subway East Hampton station on Saturday afternoon.

CALAMITY ON THE SUBWAY

Last Tuesday at 10 a.m., the motorman of a westbound subway train, Frank Hippocraticus, tried to make his train do a K turn at the Southampton stop and head eastbound back to Montauk and the yards there to get a stuck doorway fixed. It had never been done before and it was not going to be done this time either. The train became wedged between the subway walls, and service was tied up in both directions for nearly six hours. No one was injured. Mr. Hippocraticus has been assigned to desk duty and an investigation of this incident has begun.

SYSTEM SLOW DOWN

Last Wednesday night, some pranksters broke into the subway yards in Montauk, drugged the German Shepherds, and made off with nine brand new subway cars. Since our whole system consists of only 32 cars, this put a big dent in the service as we started the day on Thursday morning. The normal 15 minutes between subways became 22 minutes. But then, all nine subway cars were found all around the system, one in Quogue, another in Sag Harbor and so forth and so on. All of them had big spray painted letters on the sides. They read: HA HA.

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS

This past Monday, finally, approval was received from the New York State Transit Authority to issue an advisory about what to do if a hurricane comes. We had applied to get this approved in July. Now, finally, with the hurricane season on the wane, the approval has come, better late than never, they told us. “In the event a hurricane comes to the Hamptons,” the advisory says, “we ask that all riders stop what they are doing and brace themselves in the doorways that separate the subway cars for their own protection. We will sound a horn once at the Southampton stop to announce a hurricane is coming, then sound the horn twice – toot toot – when it is all clear and safe to proceed. This notice is in effect until November 23, 2024.”

SURVEY SHOWS RIDERS ANGRY

A survey conducted by the Spielberg Drop Survey Service, owned and operated by Commissioner Aspinall’s younger brother Biff, took place by the turnstyles as riders went out to the platform to board the subways at the Bridgehampton stop last Thursday. The goal was to see what feelings they had about the subway service. The results were surprising.

24% asked the questioners to get the hell out of the way so they could board the subway to get to work, 19% said they didn’t have time for this, 18% said Biff and his brother made them very angry doing stupid things like this, such as holding a survey during rush hour. 11% said they had not yet had their morning coffee, 9% said the survey made them very annoyed, 8% refused to answer any questions, 8% wanted to know who dreamt up these stupid questions and could they get out of the way. 7% shoved the survey person out of the way, 5% said the survey person was cute and would they like to come home with him/her, 1% punched the survey taker.

METROPOLITAN OPERA’S LOSS, OUR GAIN

Since our automated recording and playback system broke last Monday, Mrs. Alice Contastroff, the famous coloraturist who made the recordings of “Please Watch for the Closing Doors” and “Next Stop Is Amagansett” (or East Hampton or wherever), has personally come out and done the announcing from our Hampton Bays office intercom loudspeaker system with prompts from the secretaries in the office about which subways are where. We are very grateful to her for doing this and taking the time out of her busy schedule at the Metropolitan Opera. An understudy is currently playing her role as Amneris, the daughter of the Pharoah, in Aida there. We hope to have the system fixed on Friday.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

We’ve had our share of troubles on the subway system this week, no doubt about it. Hopefully things will get better next week. Meanwhile, my wife and I will be attending the Cleanup of the Spooks and Costumes left in the tunnels after our ninth annual Halloween Parade last Thursday. There might be something she likes, she said.