Hamptons Subway Massage Firms Arrested

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Alan Alda and Steven Spielberg, two of our favorite people, took the subway from East Hampton to Water Mill last Thursday afternoon.

CARRY-ON POLICY

Remember that all passengers on the subway system are allowed one carry-on and one small pocketbook or canvas bag, or, in the case of young men, fashionable mailbags. Containers bigger than 10-by-15-by-8 feet are not allowed on at any time. That’s the max. Anything gift-wrapped or in a plastic shopping bag does not count in the total. All other extra carry-ons are charged at the rate of $200 each.

HAMPTONS SUBWAY TO GET BACKUP ELECTRICITY

In the event of a regionwide blackout, rest assured that the Hamptons Subway will still run on time. As this is written, negotiations are underway to have the new Berwind Windmill Power Station in Bridgehampton hooked up to the subway electric system. Since the entrance to the subway in Bridgehampton is just a few hundred yards from the windmill, the amount of heavy-duty underground feeder line will need to be minimal.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MS. GLADYS ASPINALL, NOW (–) YEARS OLD

Gladys Aspinall, the wife of Commissioner Bill Aspinall, celebrated her birthday last Wednesday with a small party in her honor (she won’t reveal her age) at the Subway food kiosk on the Southampton platform, where the management created a new special footlong which really did look like her. Sort of. It’s a rare treat to find Ms. Aspinall down on a subway platform. She suffers from claustrophobia and hasn’t been down there in years, but she made a special exception on Wednesday to see what a footlong sandwich in her image might look like. Before she scooted off back to the surface, she said she was mighty pleased. With her husband off in Rio on business this week, she was accompanied by her longtime friend, yoga teacher Bismarck von Shleppenhorzt, who said later that he had her sprint up the down escalator and down the up escalator 20 times just after the party to, as he said, help her relax and encourage digestion to aid the jog back to her oceanfront manse and more exercises.

17 EMPLOYEES OF TWO MASSAGE FIRMS ARRESTED ON SUBWAY PLATFORMS FOR SECOND STRAIGHT DAY

Fistfights broke out Tuesday on every platform on the Hamptons Subway system when two different companies that both believed they had the exclusive franchise for offering quickie 10-minute massages to straphangers on all the platforms clashed for the second straight day. The lengthy skirmish this time began about 11 p.m. and by 11:30 p.m. the police arrived everywhere. In all, 26 people were arrested on nine platforms, including 17 employees of the two services, Walk By Karen and Yuki Yaki Oriental Massage; four were customers and five were passersby. Service was delayed while 11 subway mats were removed from the third rail. Also removed, though not from the third rail, were 64 bottles of rubbing oil, 11 towels and two portable credit card swipe machines. One police officer was injured when kicked in the groin, but after being taken to the hospital was released. The service, which had shut down at 11:05 p.m., was restored by 12:10 a.m.

All massages given at all platforms by these massage firms and any others that might also come down have been suspended until further notice.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

It is very rare that we have a physical confrontation on our subway system and we certainly regret this one. The subway platforms had been free of masseurs and masseuses for 20 hours before the new troubles began. Since then, for the last four days, we have kept them at bay. We regret this behavior.

Remember, as far as masseuses and masseurs are concerned, if you see something, say something. Subway police are now everywhere and they are not hard to find.

On another note, the subway system has been inundated with nearly half a million letters from the fans of East Quogue resident Fay Schwinn, the singer, who got her start singing for quarters by passing the hat on the Water Mill platform. Last week, after getting thrown out of the Water Mill station because nearly 500 screaming fans blocked the platform, she performed before a sold-out crowd at Yankee Stadium. Now the fans want to erect a statue of her by the token booth in the Water Mill station.

Ms. Schwinn has indeed been a phenomenon and it is possible to say it was the ruckus she caused at Water Mill that propelled her to rock stardom, with, I am told, five hits on the charts during the same week, which was last week.

Since that time, Ms. Schwinn, who is just 19, has seen her star soar to great heights and then sink to the deepest depths. She got arrested for drugs, did a porno, married Justin Timberlake, divorced Justin Timberlake, went into rehab, hit a pedestrian driving away, wore an ankle bracelet, had a baby, hosted Saturday Night Live, got a tattoo on her butt and is awaiting trial for plagiarism and forgery – and the week is not even over. Her new book, Flameout,  debuted Monday and is No. 1 on the New York Times Best Sellers list. But the answer is no. No statue.