Hamptons Subway Launches Massage Service

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Alec Baldwin, or somebody who looks very much like Alec Baldwin, was seen on the westbound platform at the East Hampton station on Monday.

ANNUAL GIVEAWAY

Once a year, the subway system gives away all the stuff that people accidentally drop onto the platforms that then rolls down onto the tracks. Most people know about the third rail. And those who don’t can read the big warning signs on every platform alerting them to the fact that they could be fried to a crisp if they went down on the tracks.

As a result, the once-a-week cleanup of the tracks by our stalwart maintenance crew during the wee hours of the morning when everything including the electricity is turned off yields many gems. All year, these gems are collected and piled up in a storeroom in our headquarters building in Hampton Bays for the once-a-year giveaway on the third Monday in November, first come, first serve.

This year’s offerings include many sets of melted car keys, flattened pennies, nickels and quarters, wallets and appointment books. There are often notes. One such note reads, “Karen McLaughlin, I love you even though I am married to your sister. Bob. Burn this.”

There’s also lipsticks, subscriptions, condoms, Big Mac wrappers, Coke cans, diamond rings, earrings, cellphones, homework, dog poop and a whole lot of other interesting stuff. Doors open at 9 a.m.

Some of this stuff will make great holiday gifts.

MASSAGE SERVICE OPENS

Walk By Karen, the new massage service, opens on all platforms on Hamptons Subway next Sunday. It will be open from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m., seven days a week.

Is your spine out of alignment? Do you suffer from slipped or bulging disks? Muscle cramps? Blood clots? A rash? These and other ills can be cured simply by lying down on your belly on the red and blue mats of the Walk by Karen company, the firm whose work is sweeping the nation, for a brief 30-second walk-around on your back by somebody named Karen, or by somebody who says they are Karen.

“We have mats on subway platforms on subway systems in Helsinki and Tokyo and Buenos Aires and Cairo and numerous other places,” says Karen. “And we are happy to welcome you to our first service in America.”

Many straphangers have discovered this service abroad by tripping over it. Or tripping over somebody lying on it. They come back again and again. All because it works. All pain in the back ends when Karen of the big feet walks on the back.

“Some of our best customers,” says one of the Karens, “are those who can’t remember why they got on the subway. They’ve gone around and around the system for hours and sometimes days, and they are tired. Finally, they get off, and there we are, a shining oasis.”

The Karens are highly trained. All have been walked upon for at least five hours by the original Karen as part of their training.

And the 30-second walk hardly holds you up at all. You’re in, you’re down, you’re up and you’re out. And the cost, $10 for 30 seconds, is modest and well worth it. Don’t forget to Walk by Karen.

We hope you enjoy this new service.

CROWDS DISPERSED FROM WATER MILL PLATFORM

As you know, our commissioner has graciously allowed singers and other entertainers to play on our platforms and pass the hat. Well, it’s one to a platform, of course, since we don’t want a cacophony of sound on any one platform, and so the singers have to register, which they can do at any token booth at any time.

In any case, the playing and singing by Fay Schwinn, a local teenager from East Quogue who’s been performing on our Water Mill platform over the past two weeks, attracted increasingly larger crowds every day.

This past Wednesday, the crowds of listeners were so large and enthusiastic that after her performance Schwinn was carried around on the shoulders of some of them.

Unfortunately, there were some riders who found their way blocked by the crowds on that platform, and they have complained about it. And so on Thursday, the ninth day of her performing there, we had to bring in the subway police to carve a path for those wishing to board the subway trains, and soon thereafter clear the whole platform, much to the anger of those in attendance, who verbally and in several cases, physically, protested their removal. We regret that these people had to be arrested, all 19 of them.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

We deeply regret having to end the musical performance being offered up by that singer, whatever her name is, who was for no charge providing that service to straphangers as they traversed across the Water Mill platform. In the end, she was blocking the platform, not her personally, but all her fans. The 19 who got arrested when we removed them have been released. We regret the incident. But our subway must soldier on after all. People have to get where they are going. And back. And we can’t put up with all this crap.

I’m told that – just let me see the sheet – Fay Schwinn — will be in performance at Yankee Stadium next Saturday night and we wish her the best. Those wishing to hear her sing will be welcome there. So maybe in the end all is going to be well that ends well.