Are Hamptons Subway Tunnels Home to Endangered Tiger Salamanders?

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Andy Sabin, the founder of the South Fork Natural History Museum in Bridgehampton, was seen traveling between Water Mill and Southampton shining a small flashlight at the walls outside the window, for what? Endangered striped tiger salamanders? He was not saying.

NO ELECTIONEERING

The “No Electioneering” posters were put up all over all the platforms on Wednesday, the day after the elections, to remind candidates not to make speeches and hand out literature down there. Apparently, our new general manager, Edward Harrison III, got confused about which day the elections were. So he ordered the 100 posters to be printed reading “No electioneering on this platform between Nov. 6 and 14,” which, as our Commissioner Bill Aspinall pointed out when they arrived, is the week beginning on the day after the elections were over and continuing on until eight days afterwards.

After some discussion in our corporate headquarters on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays among the various managers there, it was decided to put them out anyway, since A.) they were extremely beautiful, all red, white and blue with lovely flags, bunting, elephants and mules drawn on them and B.) we didn’t want campaigning down there even after the elections since that might interfere with people getting to work and so forth and C.) the signs could serve as a precursor for next November when the elections roll around again that no campaigning is allowed down there at that time either and D.) we had hired all these freelance people to put the signs up, which helped lower unemployment. We do hope you enjoy them.

SKELETON FOUND IN LOCKED WAREHOUSE

Since the subway system was built in the early 1930s, we frequently find things behind long-closed and locked doors in the various tunnels. Last Thursday, a thick lock on a previously never-opened steel door was sawed off, and the door opened to reveal a long-dead gangster in a slick black suit carrying a .22 revolver with a bullet hole in his chest. A note was pinned to his trench coat.  It read, “What do you think of this, Guido?”  It was signed Luigi “Big Thumb” Goldberg, 8/14/31. The police consider Luigi “Big Thumb” Goldberg to be a person of interest in this case; and if anybody knows anyone by that name, please contact the FBI hotline. Your name and address will be carefully written down and then sold to marketers across the country in an effort to keep our costs down. According to chemical tests, forensics and carbon dating, the hit, if that is what it was, took place on Aug. 14, 1931 at 11:44 p.m.

LEE ZELDIN

Republican Lee Zeldin, the former East End congressman newly selected by President-elect Donald Trump to become the next administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, visited Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall in his office penthouse suite in Hampton Bays for lunch yesterday. He assured Aspinall that he would protect the environment nationwide, and particularly the East End and its subway system where, when he was a congressman, he announced that since his home district was entirely surrounded by water it would need special protection. Aspinall said he was glad to hear that since President-elect Trump has announced that he will repeal most of the country’s environmental laws and allow industry free rein to smoke, burn and drill, baby, drill. The two men shared a lunch of piping plover a la orange and a bottle of North Fork Petroleum red wine.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I think straphangers should know that Hamptons Subway simply does not tolerate incompetent behavior. Edward Harrison III, our new general manager, who also happens to be my best friend’s cousin, was fired immediately after I learned that he had ordered and then distributed 100 expensive posters around the system ordering that no electioneering be allowed on the platforms the week after the elections.  We set a very low bar for behavior on the subway system, but there are limits to how low we can go.  However, we did provide him with a golden parachute, so at least that was something.  We have also cancelled a printing order for more posters that Harrison ordered.  These new posters remind straphangers to set their clocks forward to return to Standard Time on Sunday, November 7 at 3 pm.   As I am sure you know, the day to do that was Monday, November 8 at 3 pm not Sunday, and in any case, that was long ago and how in blazes is anybody supposed to know when 3 pm is down in the subway?  There are no windows down there!

Fortunately, our order to cancel the printing came just as the plates were being put on the presses at the print shop in Bay Shore.  It saved the Subway System nearly $22,456 from the subway system budget for those 100 signs.  This is money we will not have to pass along to you to collect with increased fares anytime soon.