Ask Beatty: How to Find Out If You Are Being Gaslit?

The term ‘gaslighting’ has become an ubiquitous term appearing more and more frequently in the media. It’s been defined as a form of emotional abuse — an intentional technique that causes people to question their own sanity and sense of reality.  It is a way to gain and maintain control over others, invalidating their feelings, perceptions and experiences by “making them wrong.”  Just like in many other situations of abuse, the gaslighter may appear to be stable, charming, loving, empathic, smart and confident. Behind closed doors it’s a different story. When differences of opinion occur, (as they do in all relationships), the gaslighter doesn’t listen to what you have to say, but rather will immediately try to shut you down, put you down, denying that something happened and insisting that you remembered it wrong. This is crazy-making to victims, leaving them  to experience self-doubt and confusion. This dynamic, in all its myriad forms is dangerous — especially to people with a weakened sense of self, self-esteem and identity  Even though there may be no physical or sexual abuse, you nonetheless need to find ways to exit this emotionally abusive relationship as soon as possible.

Know Thyself

People who are hoping and wanting to have healthy and happy personal and professional relationships with others, first need to know themselves.  They need to know who they are, what they want, what they don’t want, what they need and what they don’t need and will never put up with.  They need to be in a good place emotionally and psychologically.  They need to be willing to work through (as best as they can) their depression, anxiety, early childhood traumas and other past and current issues that continue to get in the way of their lives and relationships. These unresolved issues invariably play havoc with their mental, emotional and physical well-being.   As I tell people all the time, we do not need to navigate the ups and downs of life on our own. There are times that the very best thing that we can do for ourselves is reach out and get some good professional help. In doing so, people are able to gain a sense of confidence and clarity about who they do and don’t want in their lives. They begin to trust their instincts and perceptions and no longer have the need or inclination to second guess themselves. They are free!

How do I know if I’m being gaslit?

People who claim to love and respect you are willing to engage in conversations where you are heard, listened to and feel safe to express your feelings.  This does not mean that people need to always agree or that differences of opinion and experiences are wrong or bad. What is important however, regardless of the situation or topics of discussion, is that each person will be given the respect to communicate their feelings without antagonism, put-downs, manipulation or hostility. Many of our political leaders have a lot to learn when it comes to respectful communication. The “I’m a winner/You’re a loser mentality” does no service to anyone. What it does do, unfortunately, is encourage a society and culture that actively supports and promotes mistrust, anger, hate, alienation and loneliness. This is exactly the opposite of what people are needing — namely, more connection, affiliation and love.

If you want a graphic picture of gaslighting, make sure you watch the critically acclaimed 1944 psychological thriller, Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Joseph Cotton and Ingrid Bergman, (who won the best actress award for her performance). The movie will give you an excellent Hollywood take on the phenomenon of gaslighting.

Some Examples of Gaslighting Phrases:

That Never Happened

You’re Crazy and Other People Think So Too

I’m Sorry You Think That I Hurt You

You’re Too Sensitive

You Don’t Really Feel That Way

You Should Have Known How I Would React

You’re Just Trying To Confuse Me..You’re Not Making Any Sense

Do You Really Think I’d Make That Up?

You Made Me Do It

What do these phrases have in common?

Each of these statements invalidates a person’s feelings and experiences.  They are belittling.  They are all void of love, respect and compassion. Someone who feel fragile, has low self-esteem and a history of being told that they are ‘wrong’, begins to go down a spiral of self-doubt and self-blame.  I hope that you are able to clearly see the enormous danger in having a relationship with people who manipulate  you with words in this way.

How to Build Confidence and Trust in Yourself

Build a network of people (it needn’t be large), who you trust and who have your best interest at heart.  If you’re not sure that you are being gaslighted, good friends, trusted family members and, if need be, a therapist will help clarify any and all confusion that you might be experiencing.

Trust your instincts.  If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Give yourself permission, sooner rather than later, to exit any and all relationships where you are being gaslighted, demeaned, and manipulated. We all deserve to surround ourselves with people who have the capability of treating us with love and respect.

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever:  Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network.  She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you.  You can send her your comments and questions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com