Ask Beatty: A Little Bit of Poison Is Still Poison - Are You Ready to Get Off the Relationship Rollercoaster?

Have you ever been in a relationship when you literally never knew from one day to the next or even one moment to the next, whether your interactions with your parents, spouse, lover, colleagues, friends and children will be loving and respectful or hateful, dismissive and down-right abusive? Any relationship that feels like you are on a never-ending roller coaster ride is dangerous mentally, physically, emotionally and psychologically. It’s next to impossible to feel secure and safe under these circumstances. We often tend to make a lot of excuses for people’s bad behavior (including our own).  In doing so, we become  active and willing participants in enabling a dynamic that is almost never in our best interest and can end in real tragedy and even death, in a worst case scenario.

Since we can’t change anyone’s behavior (only our own), the real question is this: What is it about you, your family background or other life experiences that taught you (consciously or unconsciously) that it was permissible to engage in self-destructive and destructive relationships with untrustworthy people you can’t feel safe around? This is not your fault!  Perhaps this was the way you grew up — never knowing from one day to the next what to expect. Were your parents mostly loving, respectful and affectionate?  Did you grow up feeling emotionally and physically safe? Or did your early child experiences make you feel that you were on a never-ending roller coaster ride?  If this was the case, you may feel that this destabilizing dynamic is normal. It’s what you knew and experienced. It feels familiar and normal. In fact many of my patients (before undergoing therapy with me) who came from volatile backgrounds felt ‘uncomfortable’ in stable relationships. They described them as “boring”.

For most people it takes a crises or a series of crises before they are serious and  willing to understand the reasons of why we behave in the ways that we do. It takes even more courage to be willing to make the changes that continue to get in the way of our lives and relationships. Having clarity about what’s healthy, unhealthy, destructive, self-destructive and self-sabotaging enables us to see things and people exactly as they are.  We no longer second-guess ourselves. We know longer fool ourselves. We have learned to finally see the world and people exactly as they are.  The truth really does set us free!

Case Study

I recently received an email from Dan, a 45-year old, married financial advisor from East Hampton.

Dear Beatty,

I regularly read your columns in Dan’s Papers and must confess that I have never written to a therapist before — nor have I ever been in therapy or even considered it. I have been married to Meredith for 10 years. We have two children- Susie aged 8 and Simon aged 6. In the beginning our marriage was wonderful. We had so much in common and were really in love. Meredith is a very talented artist, who works from our home. Her paintings are starting to be recognized by top art dealers and galleries. Her dream was (and still is) to become a household name in the art world. Things changed dramatically after the birth of our second child. Meredith had only wanted one child and when we discovered that she was pregnant with our second, she wanted to have an abortion. I was against it and she reluctantly agreed to continue with the pregnancy. After Simon was born, things were never the same again. Meredith’s moods became impossible to deal with. She was sweet one moment and was a terror the next. I recently found her in the kitchen throwing leftovers on the floor. I am really worried about the children’s emotional and physical safety at times. Meredith clearly favors our daughter and is distant and dismissive with Simon. It breaks my heart. I have begged her to get some help. However, at this point, she will not even consider it. We used to have a great sex life. We haven’t had sex in over a year. I have seriously been thinking about getting a divorce and sharing custody with Meredith. However, I really don’t feel that the children would be safe with her without my daily presence and involvement. What are your thoughts about this situation and what I should do?

Dear Dan,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Given what you have said about your wife’s moods, I too am worried for the emotional and physical safety of your children. Here are some suggestions:

I would tell her that you are no longer willing to go on with ‘business as usual’ and that you are insisting that she and you together find a therapist and begin to deal with the marital and parenting issues. You need to be loving-but firm.

If she refuses, you need to find a good therapist to talk to and begin to figure out a strategy about how best to deal with your current situation.  Naturally, the children’s well-being needs to be a top priority.

It sounds to me that Meredith’s problems go beyond just being angry and depressed. Does she have any history of mental illness in her family?

Clearly, individual and marital therapy is indicated for both of you.

If she continues to resist getting help for herself, you may have no choice other than to file for divorce or consider a legal separation. Ideally, joint custody is always in the children’s best interest IF there is no concern about their mental, emotional, psychological, sexual or physical safety.

Please let me know if I can be helpful in any way.

All the best,

Beatty

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever:  Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network.  She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton.  Beatty would love to hear from you.  You can send her your questions and comments to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com.  For more information go to BeattyCohan.com