Trump Adds Hamptons Subway Commissioner to Cabinet

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Gwyneth Paltrow was on the Bridgehampton-to-Sagaponack subway for her weekly acting class at the East Hampton Studio.  No one is supposed to know that she teaches this class there. Also on the subway this week was Justin Timberlake, seen coming out of the Hampton Bays stop, apparently still considering moving to that town sometime soon.

PINK TRAIN

An interesting phenomenon is our straphangers’ reaction to the pink car. Which we painted that color to honor the fight to find a cure for breast cancer. It appears randomly on the system, usually on one train or another at two-hour intervals. More women seem to want to get on it than men. We’ve hired a well-known psychologist, Agnes Gretch, to talk to the men who prefer to board the car either in front or in back of the pink car to see why they are doing that. Is this their way of expressing their opinion about the fight to find a cure for breast cancer?  We shall soon know.

TRUMP APPOINTS COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL TO HIS CABINET

Let’s give three cheers to our Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall who just yesterday was appointed by President-elect Donald Trump to be the new Secretary of Underground Immigration Removal. This is a new post and Trump, in announcing its creation, had this to say about our commissioner:

“In moving to remove all illegal criminal immigrants here who arrive by land, sea and air, I realized we needed someone knowledgeable about those arriving from underground, and who better than the much-decorated Bill Aspinall, an old pal of mine who personally gave $2 million to my election campaign. What a job he did in saving that much money because his salary as commissioner is only $40,000 a year. Well, he didn’t complain, but this created a serious hardship for his family, let me tell you. It is this kind of dedication and doggedness that is the hallmark of my Make America Great Once Again plan. He is a true MAGOA member.

“I’ve ordered that his new post not interfere with his other job as commissioner of the Hampton Subway. Thus the two salaries he receives from the government will allow the missus to go to the food pantries to get stuff they haven’t eaten in years. Also, it will result in my using executive orders to create still more two-salaried positions in my cabinet because of the double work many of my loyal appointees will be doing since I will be firing so many disloyal and communist employees, leaving gaps in the pay wall beginning in January when I clip-clop into office.   This painful salary shortage will never have to happen to others. As for Aspinall, I will be calling upon him once a day for updates. He’ll tell me what’s doing underground in the Hamptons that we can escalate, replicate or duplicate elsewhere in the world, or just in America. America First.”

CAFETERIA NOT OPEN TO THE PUBLIC

In spite of what you may have heard, the cafeteria in the Hampton Bays main office of Hamptons Subway is open-only to employees of the subway and their guests. A punch card has to be shown by the employee, which is renewed every month so only a certain number of meals are eaten there.

The rush to eat at the cafeteria, ended in writing by the Town of Southampton food department, which noted that we don’t have a restaurant license, apparently came about because of the far and wide reputation of dietician Phyllis Cappuchino’s meat loaf, which recently was featured on TikTok. You can’t eat there and that is that. Unless you know somebody.

DELAYS

There were 15-minute delays on the line sometime between 2:00 and 2:30 last Thursday afternoon. We don’t yet know the cause. It might have just been one of those things that starts up for no reason and then everybody just gets further and further behind.

ARTIST YAO PO TO BE FEATURED

Work by the famous graffiti artist Yao Po of Brooklyn will be on display on the Southampton platform from Dec. 15 to March 31. Yao Po, who is of Tibetan descent, did his magnificent work exclusively on the subway cars of the New York City Metro system back in the 1980s and 1990s, before the advent of barbed wire, German shepherds, warning sirens, shotguns and powerful spray paint acid removers swept off his wonderful work from the Queens yards.

The photos of the work, taken by New York City transit workers back in those days just to keep a record of things, all framed, will line the walls of the Southampton platform. Yao Po himself, accompanied by his parole officers, will make an appearance at the wine and cheese reception on Dec. 15 on the platform at 5 p.m.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Beginning with the work of celebrated artist Yao Po, Hamptons Subway once again inaugurates culture and art on the subway platforms for a three-month run this winter. After the Yao Po visit, we expect to have a string quartet at our East Hampton platform for an evening of fine entertainment. See you there.

And of course, thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Trump for the trust you have given to me as your new Secretary of Commerce.

May God bless you.