Subway Sandwiches Abound on Hamptons Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Donna Karen was seen traveling from Southampton to Water Hill last Thursday afternoon. Michael J. Fox and Hugh Jackman were spotted traveling westbound to Georgica on Friday morning.

SUBWAY LEASE

The Subway restaurant food chain currently serves footlongs, side dishes and drinks on the platforms of our eight biggest stations.

The lease, which is for five years, ends this March 1. Shall we renew the lease?

For the last three weeks, our token booth operators have been handing out 17 question surveys to our customers. Do you like the Subway footlongs? Is the kiosk kept neat and tidy? And so forth and so on. Based on these answers – the survey ended last Wednesday – the answer is no, though by a small margin.

But then, looking into it further, we found that many of those taking the survey have now told us they thought all the questions were about the subway, the transportation system, not the Subway, the restaurant chain. Indeed, almost 80% wrote on a second survey they thought that. And so we re-did the first survey as a third survey. But people misunderstood that one too. As a result, we have set the surveys aside and are discussing other ways to determine what our customers want. We live in a Democracy after all. However, nothing has come of our latest discussions, other than a lot of shouting, time is going by and, so it’s just a big mess. Commissioner Aspinall now says HE will decide. Anyway, keep reading this newsletter for further updates.

SYSTEM SHUT DOWN FOR 16 HOURS MONDAY

The employees of Hamptons Subway woke up last Monday to the coldest day of the year thus far, with “feels like” temperatures around zero. They came to work at our headquarters in Hampton Bays, many of them by subway. But then, at 11:16 am, the power in the building went out, and with it, the heat.  When it didn’t come back on by 11:45, panic ensued, and the staff, with the temperature plummeting inside the building, headed for the only warm place that they knew – the subway trains. Boarding the first train that pulled in, they pulled the emergency cord, holding the train in the station, then refused to leave until hours later when the power was restored, the all clear had sounded and it was safe for them to get back to work. As a result, the whole system backed up. We regret the inconvenience during that 9-hour shift of workers and the next 9-hour shift of a second shift of workers that followed. Our team at the headquarters in Hampton Bays, 271 people, is ordinarily very well behaved and ordinarily we are very proud of them. This was a rare break of the ranks. And the power and heat did come back by five pm the next day.

TED MCPHERSON FOUND

Subway Dispatcher Ted McPherson, who was declared dead after leaving the Westhampton station to drive a subway train from Westhampton through tunnels to New York City a month ago and for whom we held a memorial service last week, has turned up alive.

You may recall that this matter began  three weeks ago when the New York City subway system had a collision on New Years Eve late that night in the Queens yard that severely damaged eight subway cars. A call came in from the dispatcher there to Hamptons Subway  Dispatcher McPherson in Hampton Bays asking to borrow eight Hamptons Subway cars. McPherson personally drove a subway train with eight cars from Westhampton to New York City to respond to the cry in the middle of the night and the MTA was able to dispatch its trains on time in the morning. As for McPherson, he was fired for doing what he did when it was learned he did it without permission from the higher ups. But then, Commissioner Aspinall re-hired him when he realized that there may be a subway tunnel nobody knew about. The commissioner then sent him out again on a sort of Lewis and Clark expedition to see if he could repeat the effort, but he was never heard from again and believed dead.

Two days ago, very sensationally, it turned out that McPherson was still alive. He climbed up through the floor grate of the women’s locker room of the Bay Shore YWCA at 3 p.m. that day just before a yoga session. He was covered with mud. The women, terrified, went for help, the police were called and today McPherson is in the Islip Town Hospital recovering from exposure but awaiting a court arraignment of some kind. There are six counts against him.  We will report on further developments. He could get three years.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TED MCPHERSON!

Yesterday was Chief Subway Train Dispatcher Ted McPherson’s 37th birthday.  Happy Birthday, Ted!!

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Whoever led that panic at our offices in Hampton Bays last Monday is to be fired. This was despicable behavior. The walls of our office in Hampton Bays, built in 1934’s popular fascist style by the famed Nazi architect Albrect Speer are 4 feet thick. The cold cannot get in in just a half hour. And besides that, all the power in every other building in Hampton Bays was still on. It was a blown fuse. They could have gone into Starbucks, for God’s sake. I am currently in Fiji, and shall be back in Hampton Bays on Thursday.