Horse Found Grazing in Hamptons Subway Tunnels

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

TV personality Seth Meyers was spotted on the subway between Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton reading a book called EARTH.

QUOGUE STATION KEPT OPEN

On Wednesday, President Joe Biden, in what might be his final act as President, called in the National Guard to keep the Hampton Subway stop in Quogue open after the residents of Quogue voted last week unanimously to close the station because they didn’t want the riff raff coming there. Recall you read this first in this newsletter last week. President Biden, in calling the Guard, announced that it was a threat to the transportation needs of this nation and all mankind that this station not be closed by a few (403) angry people. Do not be alarmed by the AK-47 submachine guns being carried by these soldiers. They are there to protect you. Also, they are your neighbors.

RIDERSHIP DOWN

The number of riders on the subway was way down this week, we believe because of the snow, or the fear of snow down there, we think. Rest assured, there is no snow down in the Hampton Subway.

PRESIDENT’S DAY ON HAMPTON  SUBWAY

Next month, the Hampton Subway will honor President’s Day by dressing its motormen in the costumes of the four Presidents whose faces are carved on the face of Mount Rushmore for the day. You will be able to see the motormen dressed this way by looking through the window at the front end of the car just behind the lead car where the motormen’s booth is. They will be Abe Lincoln, George Washington, Thomas Edison and Millard Fillmore. Millard Fillmore will be honored as the fourth even though it is not his birthday that day but because he is up on that mountain there with the other three.

HAMPTON SUBWAY SISTER SUBWAY SYSTEM?

Hampton Subway is desirous to become a “sister subway” system with New York City’s MTA. As a result of this, a letter has been sent to the MTA asking that they accept this offer, and we are told as we write this that the request is working its way up the chain. As it turns out, there may be other subway systems that have seized this honor.

As a result Hampton Subway is offering an unparalled incentive to the MTA, included in that letter to them, to make this symbolic gesture to Hampton Subway rather than keep the present sister subway arrangements if any by deciding to call our trains “A Trains,” or “M Trains” or “E Trains,” similar names to the MTA trains, even though all the trains here go to the same places in the Hamptons every day. You will see these letters in the little lit windows above the motormen in the front of the subway cars. We hope for those of our straphangers who use the MTA they bring good memories of different subway rides they have taken in the six boroughs over the years. And we hope that the MTA under the circumstances does the right thing.

ORGAN

The God’s First Monogamy Church in Bridgehampton is downsizing and has  charitably donated its huge seventeen foot pipe organ to Hampton Subway so as to replace it with a compact but up to date Yamaha Organ that takes up less room so as to better accommodate its growing list of worshippers. The old pipe organ doesn’t work properly. At the present time when the firebox heats up the boiler to make steam, the organ just lets out an assortment of symmetrical hisses from its pipes with the hiss growing quieter and quieter until fifteen minutes have passed and it hisses no more. So, there is work to be done.

The real issue, however, is where to set it up permanently. At the present time, after Commissioner Aspinall, a newly appointed member of the congregation, offered to take it, it was brought over and now sits in pieces – it had to get down the escalator – at the western end of the westbound platform in Hampton Bays awaiting further instructions. Any thoughts?

HORSE IN THE SUBWAY

As you may know, every August, the horses who are brought to the Hampton Classic Horse Show in Bridgehampton are walked down the subway system from Westhampton to Bridgehampton during the night before the opening day. On Jan. 16, a very well-fed horse was found down on Hampton Bays and Shinnecock grazing on some grass between the tracks underground there. He was in excellent condition and seems to have been someone’s horse who got loose. Any information about this please contact our office in Hampton Bays.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

As we go to press, I am told that the horse found on the subway has been reportedly cared for by a homeless person down in one of the vacant storerooms somewhere underground in the system. We have lots of underground storerooms everywhere, some of which are locked up and we have never been in, but which can be got to from pedestrian tunnels from elsewhere down there. It’s pretty complicated. Turns out there have been frequent reports from motormen and flagmen during the past three months about a naked woman with long red hair on horseback down there in the system. All these reports have just been put in the round file in our offices by some stupid clerk without passing them along. We are taking disciplinary action. Meanwhile, we don’t know what will become of the horse. He is currently at a nearby stable being well taken care of until we can find someone from the horseshow who is missing a horse. They will have to describe him accurately before we hand him over, of course.