Ask Beatty: Make Every Day Valentine's Day

Around Valentine’s Day, many people’s thoughts turn to love and romance and matters of the heart. It’s also a big day for business.  Did you know that consumers spend 25.8 billion dollars on cards, dinners, gifts and jewelry for this one special day.  For those of us fortunate to have a loving partner, it’s a day to celebrate our relationship and rekindle the love and commitment that we have for each other.  In our busy lives, it’s very easy to take our partners for granted.  Work, children and day to day concerns, far too often take center stage.  This is always- a mistake!  Although every day can’t be Valentine’s Day, couples need to remember to prioritize their relationships- and not just on special occasions.   Like flowers, love needs to be nurtured every day or it will slowly die a silent death. Think back to the beginning of your significant relationship-how excited you were to see each other- how thrilled you felt to spend time together – talking, walking, making love or doing absolutely nothing.  Just being together was a gift.  The ‘I love you ‘, ‘I miss you’, ‘I can’t wait to see you text or emails’, and sending a card or flowers for no special occasion all help to keep the love, connection and spark alive.

How are we really doing?

Despite all of the self-help books, therapists, life coaches and love coaches, we are not doing well in the areas of relationships and marriage. The following sobering statistics reveal the serious downward spiral that many couples find themselves in:

 -The divorce rate for first marriages is 48%.

 -67% of second marriages end in divorce.

 -72 percent of couples marrying for the third time, find themselves in a divorce court.

 -3 women are murdered every day by their intimate partner.

Extramarital Affairs

Techopedia has analyzed all available data on infidelity to create a  one-stop guide to the secretive worldf of cheaters.

–  The US tops the league table of countries with the most cheaters.

– 31% of affairs are conducted between co-workers.

– 20% of married men and 13% of married women admitted to having sex with someone other than their spouse.

-More adults cheat in their 50s and 60s.

– Women in their 60’s report the highest rate of infidelity.

-There is a 26% infidelity rate among men in their 70’s.  This is the highest rate of infidelity for men in any age group and remains high for men ages 80 and older.

-Statistics show that 70% of all Americans engage in some extramarital affair sometime during their marital life according to data from the recent General Social Survey (GSS).

Tinder

With the cloak of online anonymity, dating apps have become a popular means to having an adulterous relationship. A 2020 study found that 40% of American men and women use dating apps while being married or in a serious relationship.            

Ashley Madison

Ashley Madison is a Canadian online dating service, launched in 2002 and marketed to people who are married or in relationships who are looking to have an affair. Their slogan, “Life is short. Have an affair.” Despite a data breach and the personal information of millions of users released to the public, this site bolsters a userbase of 70 million members. Currently, this dating site has about 365,000 new married memebers every month.

Truth Time: Are You Willing To Look at the Reality of Your Relationship?

The truth is that all couples go through lots of ups and downs.  No one is immune from life’s struggles and disappointments.  Here are 2 important questions I urge you to consider and answer truthfully:

1. Are you basically happy with the quality of your relationship? Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect partnership..   If your answer is yes, you should each give yourself a big pat on the back, since you are probably doing a good job in nurturing your relationship and each other. It’s always a good idea to check in and have regular ongoing ‘how are we doing’ conversations, just to make sure that you are both on the same page. This helps to keep the lines of communication open and honest and prevents problems (big and small) from escalating.
2. Are you basically unhappy, frustrated or disatisfied with your relationship? Have you discussed your feelings with your partner? Has your partner been willing to discuss the issues with you and be willing to work through the problems?  Do you have clarity about the issues that are getting in the way of your life and relationship? Are you both willing to seek professional help (individually and as a couple), if you continue to be on a never-ending roller coaster ride?

The reality is that we can’t change history. However, what I have found in working with thousands of men and women over the years is that if people are serious and care enough about their relationships and are willing to acknowledge, address and resolve (as best as we can) the issues that continue to play havoc with our lives, then positive change is possible.

Let’s commit to making 2025 the best year yet!

To Love!

Beatty                                                                        

Beatty Cohan  M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T.  is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author  of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your comments and questions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com.  For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.