Hamptons Subway Expands Token Booths to Accommodate Obese Operators

East Hampton’s Steven Spielberg was seen with actress Emily Blunt getting off an eastbound train at the Georgica stop. Blunt is starring in the latest Spielberg movie now in production in Huntington.

TRUMP GETS UNDERGROUND MINERAL RIGHTS TO HAMPTONS SUBWAY

On his way home from his well-deserved vacation in Paris, our Commissioner Bill Aspinall’s flight was diverted to Washington on account of some blinking red light on the dashboard that nobody could figure out. Having heard that President Donald Trump was meeting people in the Oval Office, “I took a chance,” the commissioner said, “and went there unannounced.” He and Trump have been friends for a long time.

“I got to see Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy,” the commissioner told us. “He was coming out of the Oval Office alone so I just went in before the door could close. The president was glad to see me and got up to give me a hug.”

After a few slaps on the back, the president introduced the commissioner to several members of the press. Then he remembered the big life-size statue of himself and the commissioner that had been on the platform in Westhampton when he’d been there campaigning back in 2015 and the two of them spoke to large crowds. But now he heard the statue had been removed and was in storage.

“We made a new law,” the commissioner said. “No electioneering on the platforms. So no, it can’t go out.” Then Trump got very weird.

“Wrong answer,” Trump told the commissioner, stepping back and pointing at me. “I think we’ll shut down your Hamptons Subway. There are so many other ways of getting around the Hamptons – limousines, helicopters, motorcades.”

The commissioner told him he couldn’t do that. It’s privately owned. There’s no government money involved. And then Trump really got angry.

“You’re kidding, right? No government money? How was the subway built? Your founder in 1928 was Ivan Kratz, the swindler. He got the contract to build the Lexington Avenue Line, double-ordered all the material, then shipped half to the Hamptons so nobody would see it there underground and he double-billed the City of New York. And you know this. Don’t you? You owe a hundred million dollars. And you, some petty dictator, sit there and lie like this.”

The commissioner didn’t know what to say. He apologized over and over and then told Trump he’d put the statue back. And then Trump said, “If you want to stay open, you’ll have to sign over all your underground mineral rights.”

With that, Trump walked back, scribbled out something and handed it to the commissioner, who signed it.

“And then he told me I’d have to raise funding to make it all final. It was a big sum. And we don’t have it. So we’re putting out bins on all the platforms with slots on top and are asking riders to put in anything they can. I have until Tuesday.”

ON ANOTHER MATTER….

The U.S. Department of Transportation has sent engineers to all our subway platforms and determined that with the obesity problem rampant in America today, the old token booths, built in the 1920s, do not allow the token booth operators enough personal space and so have to be enlarged. The first one to be torn down and built back bigger will be Southampton, and so from April 12-15, be sure to have all the tokens you need as the booth will not be there. Dates for future token booth expansions will be announced shortly, set up on a staggered basis, in order to cause the least disruption.

THAT INCIDENT IN OUR CAFETERIA

On Monday morning, the dieticians in the company cafeteria in Hamptons Subway Headquarters in Hampton Bays opened with their new menu. Gone were the waffles and popovers, the greasy fried breakfast buns, the sausages and grits, the morning malteds and shakes. In were the fruit cups, the yogurt, the sliced fruit, the hot green tea and the Special K cereals. It did not go well.

Unfortunately, the melee and the food fight spilled out onto the street so that all of Hampton Bays was soon able to see our employees fighting each other. Four people were arrested, the pizza place next door had its plate-glass window broken and several cars slid on the food on Ponquogue Avenue and hit trees. Three were taken to the hospital. Seven employees who apparently instigated this incident were taken off active duty. We will name them next week after their families are notified.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

My flight from Paris to JFK gets diverted, this stuff happens in Washington, D.C., and then I come home to this.

That we have to take these token booths down and build bigger ones is a disgrace. How has it come to this? The French eat. They stay slim. These old token booths are antiques, icons of our subway system and a tribute to our founder Ivan Kratz. Shame, shame, shame. And the food fight! Another disgrace. Heads will roll. The staff will either eat right or they will not eat at all. I am ordering the locks changed on the cafeteria doors and no keys will be handed out to staff until they can show the discipline and determination necessary to make the change from lard to peanut oil and from deep-fried to sautéed. We must set an example for the world. Someday you will look back at this and say – well, it all started here.