Hamptons Subway Renews Subway Restaurant Lease

Lee Zeldin, the former Congressman from our district and now head of the Environmental Protection Agency for President Donald Trump, was seen at the Westhampton Beach stop on his way home to his family in Shirley. He will be giving a big speech about how he will make new strides in saving the environment this coming Wednesday and we look forward to hearing it. Lee is truly a remarkable man.

GET A FOOTLONG ON THE SUBWAY

We held a party on Saturday on the Southampton platform for the Subway restaurant chain where, after much thought, we renewed their three-year lease to serve their first-class food on all our platforms.

Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall, standing alongside the kiosk there, praised the healthy fare it serves. There’d be no “Burger King or other greasy fattening food restaurant” as he put it, even though many straphangers hoped Burger King would be chosen as a replacement for the new contract and management was indeed considering it. Another speaker was Harris Subway (his real name), the chairman of Subway, who has an oceanfront house on Meadow Lane in Southampton two doors down from the commissioner. Mr. Subway praised Hamptons Subway as being not too small and certainly not too large a system for their chain, and after that the two men, together holding an oversize scissors, cut a ribbon.

Unfortunately, within five hours, all the Subway restaurants had to be closed. It was first thought people were crowding around the kiosks on all the platforms to get something to eat, but it was soon determined that there were protests about the decision and the placement of the security around the kiosks made it almost impossible to get on the trains. As trains came and went, chaos ensued. Many were caught near the ordering counters or the food cases and were simply unable to get out. Our relationship with Subway is going to be rethunk.

MOTORMAN FRED JOHNSON NOMINATED TO BE OFFICIAL U. S. POET LAUREATE

As many of you know, Motorman Fred Johnson keeps a diary of his day driving his subway car up and around the system on his shift. He’s been doing this for years, putting down his thoughts, hopes and dreams.

Last week, Agnes Hallopeen, who works in the maintenance department, decided after reading Mr. Johnson’s latest entries that she should nominate him as an entrant in this year’s official United States Poet Laureate competition.

“I have never before been moved by poetry, but this is different,” she said.“There is such power, rhythm, finality and emotion in these works. The world needs to see them.” Well, Johnson won.

Here is a sample of Motorman Johnson’s diary.

Oct. 14, 2024

Left yard at Montauk at 7:14. Sunrise.

Diving down into the Earth, 7:22.

Amagansett, 7:34. Nobody there.

Arrived East Hampton 7:41.

Man with a big dog. Told him No.

Left East Hampton 7:43.

Picking up speed.

Long straight pull toward Sag Harbor 7:45.

Arrived Sag Harbor 8:01.

Sipping my hot black coffee.

Left Sag Harbor 8:04. Full house.

8:05, rounding turn at Trout Pond.

Bats flying along accompanying me.

Flapping their wings, flap, flap flap.

Messengers of the sky, or the ceiling anyway.

8:08. Hello, bats. Hello. Hello. Bats.

8:22 arrive Noyac.

NEW TOKEN BOOTHS

As many of you know, the U.S. Department of Transportation, under the Biden administration, ordered all our subway token booths replaced by larger ones able to accommodate the larger girth of the employees who work in them. Although these token booths were antiques, constructed by hand in 1931, it seemed of little consequence to the inspectors, who require a certain number of inches on either side of a token booth worker, according to the laws dealing with obesity in America.

The first token booth to be removed was at the Southampton Station. Workmen had little difficulty negotiating it up the stairs to the street, where it was subsequently taken to the Southampton Historical Museum on Meeting House Lane. The new one to replace it, however, was too big to fit on the stairs, so it had to be cut into pieces and then reassembled.

The next token booth that will be replaced will be in East Hampton. The old one will be removed Saturday, and the pieces of the new one, which will be assembled on the platform instead of upstairs, will be in place Monday. Be sure you have enough tokens.

SIX HOLDOUTS AT THE CAFETERIA

As our subway commissioner has stated, he will not compromise with those who will not eat the healthy fare now being served in the company cafeteria in Hampton Bays. Gone are the chicken wings and fries and barbecued ribs. The new food being served – nuts, berries, raw vegetables, yogurt and sliced almonds simply must be eaten. But it isn’t. Thus, employees are now posted at the entry doors. However, they report that nearly everybody inside is gorging on some remaining Ring Dings, Yoo-Hoos and Twinkies which, they say, are in enough abundance to last at least five more days. The guards wait patiently and nobody new is let in.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Since the above was written, Zeldin made his speech. I missed it but someone told me he will repeal all laws preventing soot from smokestacks, carbon from tailpipes, toxic mercury from groundwater, asbestos from buildings, and greenhouse gasses from spewing into the atmosphere. This can’t be right. This is not the Zeldin that we know. Maybe somebody made him say these things. So many people will get sick and die. I do hope he can sleep at night.