Hamptons Subway Worker Strike Imminent

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Seen riding the subway between Southampton and Hampton Bays last Monday was His Honor Carlos Papito Caliente-Barros, the mayor of Punta del Este, Uruguay. We understand he was here on official business. He was all dressed up in a shiny suit with a red bow tie.

REPRIEVE FOR SUBWAY RESTAURANTS ON THE PLATFORMS

As you may recall from last week’s newsletter, a riot took place on most of our platforms at noon last Wednesday after the the Subway restaurant kiosks on all our platforms reopened when their contract was renewed. Most straphangers jammed into these kiosks apparently not because they wanted the food but because they wanted to go somewhere. When they found that this was impossible, but saw the real subway cars coming and going on the other side of the platform, they went nuts.

The commissioner and the CEO of Subway restaurants have huddled and rethought the problem. The result is that the Subway restaurants stay. But now there is a second sign under the SUBWAY sign. It says SUBWAY and an arrow points across the platform. There is also another arrow being added to the SUBWAY sign on top. It points straight down, welcoming customers in where they can enjoy all the tasty treats Subway has to offer. Both arrows are in red so you can’t miss them.

STRIKE THREATENED

The men who clean the interior walls every week through the Hamptons Subway tunnels are threatening to strike next Thursday. They demand better working conditions and higher pay. The walls get covered with soot and grime, the trains coming through every 12 minutes means that they hang by their fingers on the cleats along the walls to keep from getting killed, it is pitch dark, there are not enough scrub brushes and detergent, there is always the danger from disease-bearing rats and down below is the third rail, sometimes sitting in a pool of water.

Commissioner Bill Aspinall has set up a first meeting with the union leader for July 4.

TRUMP SAYS HE WILL DONATE FUNDING TO HAMPTONS SUBWAY

In recent weeks, President Donald Trump, following up on his order to shut down the Hamptons Subway because of his recent spat with Subway Commissioner Aspinall, has set aside $15 million to instead donate to Hamptons Subway. As you may recall, earlier on in this spat, the commissioner thwarted Trump’s order by pointing out that Hamptons Subway is privately owned and beyond the reach of the president. Now, apparently, Trump intends to give $15 million to Hamptons Subway but then declare the gift to be on hold before the check is cashed. That way he can persuade a judge to declare that Trump will have activated his ability to make decisions about Hamptons Subway’s future.

“We intend to refuse the gift,”Commissioner Aspinall told us here at the newsletter. “It will get him nowhere.”

ANNUAL COMMISSIONER’S PARTY

The annual “Welcome to Spring” party held at Commissioner Aspinall’s oceanfront home on Meadow Lane last Thursday was a huge success. Jimmy Lee Flash’s Swing Band entertained for hours on the beach with music from the 1940s. Catering was provided by the Sant Ambroeus restaurant in Manhattan. And the 90-person Hamptons Subway staff together with their wives and children were free to run around the estate and enjoy the hot tubs, the beach houses, the indoor and outdoor swimming pools, the game room – this writer won $24 at billiards – the massage room, the Scottish shower room, the movie theatre, the casino and the sleeping room where guests could go to charge their batteries. The Rockettes from Radio City Music Hall entertained in the Aspinall Theater, and everyone enjoyed the Pollocks, Miros, Cezannes, de Koonings and Van Goghs in the gallery. Mick Jagger entertained in the nightclub Bill’s Place and the captain and crew served as bartenders at the cash bar aboard the commissioner’s yacht parked out back at his private dock on Shinnecock Bay. A good time was had by all. Commissioner Aspinall and his lovely wife Babette made a brief appearance in the grand ballroom at midnight. And people danced the night away, which accounted for the partial service for straphangers in the morning, which we deeply regret.

SISTER CITY

Hamptons Subway has become a “sister city” with the Subway System in Punta del Este, Uruguay. Gifts are to be exchanged. Press releases sent out. Commissioner Bill Aspinall had a luncheon with the Mayor of Punta del Este, His Honor Carlos Papito Caliente-Barros and seven of his staff, at the Subway on the platform of the station in Hampton Bays. Punta del Este calls itself “the Hamptons of the South.” After lunch, shots of Papoo, the national drink of Uruguay, were poured and the glasses clinked in a toast. Cigars were passed around. Punta del Este is famous as a classy winter resort with limousines, wealthy businessmen, beautiful women, fundraiser charity events, beaches, beautiful mansions, fashionable shops and sheep, located on the Atlantic Ocean, just like us.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

It’s been a wonderful week here at Hamptons Subway. It’s always about this time that the weekly ridership begins to rise to the 10,000 mark and this year, we got it there a week early thanks to the marketing wizardry of our new public relations director Rhoda Osmosis, recently hired away from the San Francisco BART subway system. Rhoda put together a campaign of having subway employees grabbing passersby on the sidewalk above the subway entrances and herding them down through the turnstiles to board the trains. The campaign ended immediately upon our reaching the magic number of 10,000, but at the last minute, the entire Water Mill High School Bowling Team was boarded with the sliding doors closing behind them, so in the end there were 10,009.