Ask Beatty: Why Is It So Difficult to Make Positive Changes in Our Lives?

“I know I need to lose weight.” “I know that my relationship is toxic.” I know that my job- with it’s long hours and travel is destroying my family.” “ I know that I need to end my affair.” “I know that I drink too much.”

The list is endless and are typical statements that I routinely hear from patients when they begin therapy with me. Most have some awareness that they are living their lives in ways that are not in their best interest. They know, at least on some level, that their behavior is self-destructive, destructive and self-sabotaging. Yet, despite being cognitively aware of this downward cycle, they have been reluctant (up to now), to step up to the plate and make the necessary changes. I try through our therapy together, to encourage people to open up their minds, hearts and feelings so that they can understand-sometime for the first time in their lives- the origin of their self-destructive behavioral patterns. More importantly, I teach them what they need to learn and do, in order to change the trajectory of their lives. I help them to understand that their depression, anxiety, feelings of loneliness, anger and despair will not lift unless they are willing to make some serious changes in their life. I am happy to tell you that with lots of blood, sweat and tears (and a good coach), most succeed.

Case Study

I recently received an email from Sara, a 65 year-old divorced woman, living in Paris and New York City, who read my article on Estrangement in Dan’s Papers (Sept. 29, 2024). For those of you who missed reading my piece, you may be surprised to learn that 1 in 4 adult children in the United States are estranged from their families. Sara told me that she and her ex-husband Francois, who currently lives in California, have not had any contact with their two adult sons for several years. They are heartbroken and have no idea what caused the estrangement. Although they have tried over the years to reach out to their sons, to date, they have yet to hear from them. They have been excluded from their children’s weddings, birthdays and even the birth of their grandchildren.

The family has a flourishing business in Europe with hundred of employees. Their sons run the company. Recently, one of their sons came to the United States to see his father, requesting several million dollars. In a recent zoom call that I had with both parents, the father told me that during the visit, his son literally held him captive in his house for more than eight hours- physically holding him down, punching him and demanding the money. Recently, the father was told by his Board of Directors that his sons rarely if ever come to work. Even after this outrageous and demeaning way he was treated, the father agreed to give his son the money. It was after this horrendous event that the parents decided to reach out to me and get some help.

Our Zoom Session

The parents described their early family life in Europe. It was a life filled with love, lots of travel and family togetherness. They divorced when their sons were in their late teens, but continued to parent cooperatively. When their sons left for college in the United States, the close and loving relationship that they had with their sons changed dramatically. They become verbally, and emotionally abusive- demanding more and more money for their lavish lifestyle. Instead of letting their sons know that their behavior was unacceptable, both parents continued instead to try and appease them, allowing them to ‘walk all over them’.

During our session, I tried as best as I could, to let the parents know that their unwillingness and inability to set some clear boundaries for their sons, would never help to bring the family together. Since their sons rarely if ever came to work, I suggested that they send them a letter letting them know that unless their behavior changed, they would be fired and would no longer receive a salary. The idea of course, was to set up a meeting where the family could come together and try and begin to resolve the many issues that have literally destroyed this once close and loving family unit.

Unfortunately, although both parents agreed that allowing their sons to abuse and manipulate them was not working, they told me that they were not willing to use money as a means to engage their sons in discussion. As a result, the family dysfunction and painful dynamic has and will continue. I have yet to hear from the parents.

Why is Change So Hard?

Change can be difficult for people because our brains are naturally wired to prefer routine and fear the unknown- even if the routine is not working. Change requires a new mindset and new behavior. A patient of mine illustrates the difficulty of making positive changes. Monique grew up in a very abusive home. Her ‘comfort zone’ was abuse and the majority of her relationships throughout her life had been abusive. During our treatment she met a lovely, kind and compassionate man – someone who had the capacity to love her. I will never forget the day she came in for her weekly session and told me that she didn’t feel comfortable being showered with love and affection. Clearly, we had more work to do, since being in a loving and safe relationship felt foreign,’wrong’ and uncomfortable. An exercise that I give all my patients who are used to self-destructive ways of living, is to have them monitor their daily routine and interactions. As they navigate their days, I ask them to routinely ask themselves one question…is this (whatever ‘this ‘ may be) good for me? My goal is to have my patients be aware of the difference of engaging in constructive vs self-destructive behaviors. Awareness is the first step. Changing a long-standing dynamic is more challenging. I am happy to report that Monique is still with her lovely, kind and compassionate man and is now enjoying the best and most healthy and loving relationship of her life.

The Importance of Self-Assessment

Since we have just begun a new year, are you willing to take some time and ask yourself whether you are living your life in ways that are in your best interest both personally and professionally? Hopefully, your answer is yes! If however, you are struggling with a variety of issues that keep you feeling depressed, angry, frustrated and hopeless, are you willing to take the necessary steps to acknowledge, address, and resolve (as best as we can) the things (and perhaps the people) who you have allowed to play havoc with your life? Ultimately, the choice is yours!

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W, L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your questions and comments to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.