Elon Musk Drama on Hamptons Subway Southampton Platform

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Jon Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld and David Letterman were seen getting off a train at the westbound Sag Harbor platform laughing and talking last Monday at 1 p.m. When our spotter asked them where they were headed, they said lunch at The American Hotel and disappeared up the escalator to Main Street.

HIGH DRAMA ON THE SOUTHAMPTON PLATFORM

At 11 a.m. Thursday, Commissioner Bill Aspinall came down the escalator to the Southampton eastbound platform for his daily trip to the Subway Headquarters Building in Hampton Bays, where he discovered that the entire staff from the Southampton Station, 14 people, standing in a row there with their backs to the tracks facing Elon Musk who was in front of them pacing back and forth. Before the Commissioner could say anything, Musk spoke.

“13 of you 14 people are to be fired today,” Musk said, according to the Commissioner. “So tell me, how many of you people own Tesla automobiles.  Please take one step forward.” All of them stepped forward. “

All right,” Musk continued. “Any of you employees going to buy one of our new models before the end of this week?Take another step forward.”

The entire row of employees immediately took another step forward.

“Well then,” Musk continued “I’ll have to figure out another way to decide who stays and who goes.”

Suddenly, six Hamptons Subway Security Police came running through the turnstiles, grabbed Musk, and threw him to the floor.

“As he flopped around there for a few moments,” the Commissioner continued. “The security police got him, picked him up, raised him overhead and, while he was shouting, ‘What’s going on, who are you people?’ They carried him back out through the turnstiles and up the escalator to the street. From there, with me following along, they marched him down Jobs Lane to Monument Square and threw him into Lake Agawam.

“He splashed around, shouted that he couldn’t swim and was drowning, and then I saw this team of ten newly appointed town volunteer firemen sitting on a blanket having a picnic, their gear off and scattered nearby – it was a warm day. I knew them as former janitors from the Federal Bureau of Investigation office in Water Mill before Musk fired them last week – that was awful – and here on their blanket they were pretty drunk.  Anyway, they saw Musk splashing around and without wasting a minute scrambled to their feet, their firemen gear left behind, and quickly jumped into the pond too and waded out to him – it’s only four feet deep there. It took some effort, but they hauled him into shore. From there they carried him into the back of their fire truck and drove to the emergency room parking lot of Stony Brook Southampton Hospital, bumping along with him strapped to a gurney in the back there where, I was told he was admitted for an evaluation.”

The Commissioner ended the account by telling us that Musk was now resting comfortably there in a locked ward awaiting transfer to the White House.

“It’s been quite a day,” the Commissioner said. “But the subway continues to run.”

SUBWAY CARS GO GREEN

In another matter, the day before all this, a survey administered by PR Director Janice Petrillo (before her recent firing) was made public and Commissioner Aspinall, announced that the new paint job for all the subway cars this spring will be of green nature scenes done in a kind of abstract manner. The cars will be painted a few at a time out in our Montauk Yards and will begin to appear on the system around May 15 with the last of them in place on May 30.

Numerous colors and designs were proposed during the voting and a vigorous debate occurred among the bloggers who lounge around our website. The challenge was to celebrate nature with the paint job, and truth be told the giant springing tiger painting garnered numerous votes as did the painting of Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother.  So there was no clear winner.  In the end, it was realized if those two proposals were combined together the result would be a win. The springing tiger entry was from environmentalists and the fairy godmother entry was from local war veterans who wanted to see the paint job in military camouflage to honor those who defended our way of life. And so that’s what happened.  It also has turned out that the fear of if the cars were painted in camouflage – and they were – customers might not see them coming – well, it’s ridiculous nonsense.

Also, those wags who proposed that a bird-sound whistle be mounted atop all the lead cars so that at top speed when the wind goes through the whistle making the birds chirp, well, we do not consider this a joke and are indeed taking this very seriously. A decision is expected shortly.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Ridership was off this past weekend because of a number of factors. There was rain on Friday and Saturday, there was a tornado in St. Louis, gas prices raced over $6 a gallon so fewer people tanked up out here and there was concern about America using drones to attach Houti rebels in Yemen.

For those that did drive out, know that this weekend should be bright and shiny however, so we expect a leap up in ridership. Don’t forget when boarding the trains to remove those sunglasses.  You might trip otherwise.