Chinese Businessmen Seen Touring the Hamptons Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Madonna was seen on the Hamptons Subway between Bridgehampton and Water Mill traveling with someone who looked like First Lady Melania Trump, it was said. Or maybe it was JLo.

GREAT DANE LOST

If anyone sees a lost Great Dane and a baby carriage somewhere on the Hamptons Subway system, please report them to Alice Ontopolis, who is apparently the owner of both. Do not call anyone at the Hamptons Subway office or on the system, as the Hamptons Subway management has refused to look for them. It’s a long story.

The policy of Hamptons Subway is that only dogs under 15 pounds can be transported on the subway system and then only if they are either in a carrier or a canvas bag.

At 4 p.m. Tuesday, Ontopolis boarded a subway train at the Water Mill stop bound for Southampton pushing a baby carriage which she told other riders contained a baby.  In fact, what she was bringing on the subway was a 175-pound Great Dane. Four holes had been made in the bottom of the baby carriage. The Great Dane’s legs stuck out through the holes, trotting along as the carriage was pushed. The Dane’s body and head were inside the baby carriage in a prone position, under a blanket, with the dog’s head sticking out, wearing a baby bonnet.

It was Ontopolis’ intention to get off the train in Hampton Bays, but before that, when the train stopped in Southampton and the doors slid open, the dog and carriage trotted off. The doors closed before Ontopolis could get off, because, as Ontopolis told other passengers, she was so surprised.

At the present time, the dog and baby carriage show is somewhere in the system.  Our commissioner, upon hearing of this misadventure, and in spite of all urgings not to, declared that since this subterfuge had been deliberately done to get around the subway ordinances, no attempt was to be made to find the lost arrangement.

This article is not intended to help anybody who comes across this business. We are simply telling the story. And if you want to contact Ontopolis for a chit chat her number is 200-444-3250.

CHINESE HERE

Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall and a group of 26 businessmen from China toured the Hamptons Subway system last Thursday, taken around by the new Hamptons Subway Public Relations Director Anthony Weiner. Weiner, who has only been on the job for four days, had to get a crash course about the history of the system and its current configuration in a marathon session on Wednesday with the Subway Historian, Fred Elisor.

The group, all in suits and ties, were shown the Montauk Yards and the surveillance towers at each corner of the barbed wire fence that surrounds it. Seventeen cars were in for cleaning or maintenance, and Weiner told them that the rest, 22 cars, were out on the various routes at that hour of the morning. The group then took the subway to East Hampton, then transferred to another subway to Sag Harbor where they had lunch at The American Hotel and were entertained by Nancy Atlas playing some of her songs on an acoustic guitar.

Busses then took the group to Southampton, where they toured the platform there, and then to Hampton Bays and the fascist-styled main headquarters building for the Subway on Ponquogue Avenue, where the group met with the secretaries, clerks, and accountants and shook hands all around.

At the end of the day, after peering into the electrical generator room and the diesel fuel warehouse storage area, the Chinese smiled happily and then went to Commissioner Bill Aspinall’s home on Meadow Lane in Southampton for a lavish dinner prepared by the Aspinall staff.

Just after dessert, the commissioner’s opening speech and Weiner’s history of the system, a Chinese interpreter, Weng Chou Fu, arrived, apparently having been delayed in Chicago changing planes.

He thanked everyone for their hospitality, explained that the smiles, handshakes and little bows that the Americans had taken for approval were merely good manners since none of them understood a word of English. He explained that they were here because Hamptons Subway is the only small-town subway system in America and they wanted to see how it might work for a beach town just outside Shanghai and they were also thinking that they might, if that were successful, then build similar subway systems in about 14,000 other small towns in that country.

After dinner, the delegation went on its way, but not until a little 8-year-old girl from  Quogue presented each of the businessmen with a bouquet of flowers. It was 9 p.m.  Past her bedtime.  Everyone smiled.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I want to reiterate the rules about riding Hamptons Subway. There are to be no dogs over 15 pounds, no cats unless in a carrier, no snakes or other creatures, no smoking, no wearing of bathing suits, no traveling nude, no drinking alcohol and no listening to loud boombox radios. There will be no electioneering, no panhandling, no playing of musical instruments and no spitting. Also, seats are to be given up for the disabled or infirm and there will be no loud talking which might disturb others. Otherwise, have a good trip.