1775 War Reenactment Aboard Hamptons Subway

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Food writer Katie Lee Biegel was spotted on the Hamptons Subway between Water Mill and Southampton Saturday after the Dan’s Papers’ Rose Soiree which she hosted, carrying groceries and listening to music on her AirPods. Biegel’s purchases, which included a two-pack of Bounty paper towels that were sticking out, were in two brown paper bags, in compliance with the new Southampton town law which bans the use of plastic bags in that town.

THAT DELAY

Hamptons Subway regrets the 20-minute delay that took place during the morning rush hour last Thursday. One of the subway cars on a subway train leaving the Montauk station got a flat tire, a rare occurrence since we use space-age tires that are supposed to never have this problem. Workmen raced to the scene and changed the tire and the train was quickly on its way, although the delay affected the entire system, with trains coming to a halt everywhere for that length of time.

SUBWAY CONTRACT RENEWED

The special concession agreement with Subway, the restaurant chain, has been renewed for another year. The popular eatery has stands on all subway platforms, just adjacent to the newspaper and magazine  concession stands.

MEIG’S RAID DISASTER

Residents of Sag Harbor were awakened in the middle of the night on June 4 by shots being fired down on the subway platform at that hour. The police responded to the many calls they received at 2:46.33 a.m. and arrived at the escalators going down, where they set up a defensive position on the street to respond to the possible threat by whoever was down there coming up. Shots continued to be fired.  At 3:14.23 a.m., the Suffolk County SWAT Team arrived in helicopters and rappelled down to the platform by rope to discover a full-scale re-enactment of the 1775 middle-of-the-night rebel raid on the British redcoats on Long Wharf, put together at that hour by Howard Huntington of the South Huntington Militia at the request of Hamptons Subway’s brand-new PR director Lance Bastion. Local police rounded up the 35 soldiers – not hard to do since they were carrying only muskets, swords and pistols – and took them into custody. In the meantime, local police woke up Bastion in Shirley, where he lives, to discover that he had ordered this as a surprise to the Subway commissioner as part of an early rehearsal for the July 4 celebration. He was arrested for disturbing the peace.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS PEACOCK

Gladys Peacock of the accounting office in our Hampton Bays headquarters is 41 years old on July 1. We congratulate her and there is a special gift awaiting her at the reception desk on the ground floor.

PUSHERS AT WORK

Over Memorial Day Weekend, the 14 pushers hired by Hamptons Subway to keep the crowds moving from the platforms into the cars began their 15-week summer internship. The pushers’ uniforms this year are specially designed matching maroon ensembles that include helmets, boxing gloves, chest protectors and shin guards.You will see their fashionable maroon rubber mouthpieces with the words “Hamptons Subway” in bright white letters when they smile. You can’t miss the pushers.

RECORD RIDERSHIP

Last week’s total of 17,251 riders traveling 182,821 rider miles sets a new milestone in underground travel in the Hamptons. Never before have this many people riding this number of miles been packed into our subway cars heading off in one direction or another.

One reason for the high ridership on the subway this past week could be because of the absolute joy people say they experience when they ride the subway.  It reminds them of New York City. And the smell of rusty steel and gasoline fumes is a terrific contrast with the salt-sea air and beaches up above. Certainly it is not the level of service that drives people down underground. The Hamptons Subway ranks last in a survey of customer satisfaction among all the subway systems in North America with the exception of Mexico City. No, the popularity is in spite of this.

Another possibility is that although the subway system is not air conditioned – it was built in 1932 – it is noticeably cooler than what you have up above.  Still another possibility is the traffic jams up above. Getting from one town to another in the Hamptons by car, even with the backroads, is terrible. And then there is no place to park.

NEW PR MAN FIRED

Our newest PR director, Lance Bastion, had to be fired on July 5 for a misguided attempt at a battle recreation at the Sag Harbor station. It was a great inconvenience for everybody, and we particularly apologize to the South Huntington Militia for coming all this way to be arrested by the Suffolk County SWAT Team after the battle began but before they were able to complete their mission by rousting out all the redcoats.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Hamptons Subway does not take the flat tire that happened on the system lightly. These tires are the very same tires used on the space shuttle for when it lands. They have been on our trains without incident until now. And they are warranteed to never break.  This particular tire was from a group of 16 dozen of them we recently purchased at a special bargain price direct from the manufacturer, now that the shuttle program is discontinued and these are his leftovers. They are being returned. And if we do not get our money back we will sue.